Crushing on celebrities: a necessary coping mechanism for women everywhere. Am I right? I think I am. Whether you’re in recent-breakup/pint-of-ice-cream-on-the-couch mode, or sorry-I’m-not-sorry-I’m-a-busy-career-woman-now mode, you’ve got to feel your feelings about someone. Sure, you may never meet him in person, but if you let all that estrogen pile up in your body/vagina, you’ll probably get blue balls… er, blue fallopian tubes?
Sometimes, when you’re in between crushes, you need a little guidance. What GIFs do I search for? What movies and TV do I watch? Which fan fiction websites do I peruse? Well, I’ve consulted the experts (my friends) and I’ve come up with a list. Of all the celebrity crushes you could ever need, no matter what phase of life you’re in.
1. Overworked & Underappreciated:
Constantly working? No time for dude-friends, let alone boyfriends? News4u: you’re not alone. The best way to cope with lack of sex due to lack of free time is to take solace in males who work as hard, or harder, than you do. Fact: SNL cast members probably never sleep.
Ideal crush: Fred Armisen. I mean, he’s been married to Elizabeth Moss, his best friend/comedy partner genius of the century used to be in a punk band, and he’s not afraid to cross dress. Also he is not Jason Sudeikis and therefore did not dump Liz Lemon. What’s not to love?
Watch: SNL, alone on Saturday nights! (+ Portlandia if you are craving extra Fred).
2. Intellectually Unsatisfied:
Because sometimes we all need to be mind-fucked into sexual attraction by intellectual brilliance we totally don’t understand/men in scarves.
Ideal Crush: Benedict Cumberbatch.
Watch: Sherlock, which – and I’m sure I’ve said this before – is one of the best mini-series in existence. Even if you aren’t attracted to men in scarves.
You miss your youth. You feel like you peaked in high school, when all it took to succeed was a prom date and a Lacoste polo with a popped collar. You just want to look at something fresh-faced and fertile-looking, hairless chest optional.
Ideal crush: Ben McKenzie. Or the star of whatever your high school soap opera equivalent of The OC was (Ally McBeal? OG Melrose Place? Or you could just go with Ben McKenzie and watch Ryan stare into Marissa Cooper’s troubled eyes and internalize his juvenile charm like it was meant for you and you and you alone).
Honorable mention: Joseph Gordon Levitt, who may have gotten more muscular since 10 Things I Hate About You, but pretty much still looks like he’s sixteen.
Watch: The OC. Duh.
And: 10 Things I Hate About You.
4. Recently Broke Up With Your “Bad Boy” Boyfriend:
Good for you! You’re over it. Time for a new phase, back to the nice ones who adore you and treat you well and maybe wear tightie-whities if you’re lucky.
Ideal crush: Mike White.
Watch: Enlightened, because it is (was. RIP! Bad decision HBO) the best show on TV, and he wrote it, and directed it, and he’s amazing. And if that’s not enough for you, I have two words: Ned. Schneebly.
5. Recently Broke Up With Your “Good Boy” Boyfriend:
You need a hot badass. Like, someone so objectively hot and badass that even if your type is super nice-Jewish-Mama’s-boy-with-good-SAT-scores, you will be xxxtremely attracted to his grillz, his shorts in every color, and his way with Britney Spears songs when he’s behind a piano. Look at all my shiiiiiiiit.
Ideal Crush: James Franco as Fake Riff Raff. Real James Franco is a little pretentious and obnoxious, but JFAFRR is how we remember him from before he was lame: goofy, hospitable, and badly behaved in a fun way!
Watch: Spring Break Forever, Bitches. (+ Freaks and Geeks if you’re looking for Bad Boy Lite)
6. Recently Broke Up A Really Verbose Person:
And want someone who doesn’t open his mouth very much.
Ideal Crush: Damian Lewis.
Watch: Homeland. Are we done talking now?
Is totally the worst. You feel like a bloated Teletubby. Sitting up straight hurts like a beeyotch and basically takes all the energy you have, but everyone is annoying you so you have to spend some energy hating them silently. Not enough energy.
Ideal crush: Seth Rogen. He can make you feel great about your body/relate to your desire to lie down on a couch for 90% of your waking hours. Basically like dating a human body pillow and how awesome does that sound.
Watch: The Guilt Trip + the episodes of The Mindy Project where he is the cutest.
Because who run the world? Girls. And sometimes a lady just needs to escape.
Ideal crush: Owen Wilson. Because he would travel anywhere with you, and probably bring too much monogrammed luggage but leave it behind to Instagram your whole world yellow.
Watch: Every Wes Anderson Movie Ever Made.
9. Indiscriminately Horny
“Hot sex ASAP please.”
Ideal crush: Ryan Gosling, to perk up any slowly beating heart.
Watch: The Notebook or Blue Valentine or, I don’t know, everything he’s ever been in? You should probably just have a Ry-Gos marathon while looking at all his tumblrs in different tabs of the same browser.
10. Having Hot Flashes:
I’m so sorry.
Ideal Crush: Kit Harington, because it’s always cold North of The Wall.
Watch: Game of Thrones. He’s the one with the perfect face and the blood of the first men.
End of list.
Moral of the story: retreating into fiction is the best coping mechanism for basically everything ever and I highly recommend it. Did I leave anything out? Please let me know in the comments.
Re-published here (with a few tweaks) from The Gaggle.