Television

Recap: Game of Thrones Season 3 Episode 7

Game of Thrones Recap:  Season 3 Episode 7

“The Bear and the Maiden Fair”

This week’s GoT recap is brought to you by our beloved contributor Willie Myers, who is currently riding a wave of penis-based web popularity but managed to find time to write this anyway.  He is a true American hero.  Enjoy!

George R. R. Martin is back to write his one episode of the season (because he doesn’t have two books and 73 plot points he should be wrapping up) and what an all-over-the-place sex doozy of an episode it is.

Jon Snow and the rest of Mance Rayder’s posse are finally on the slightly-more-pleasant south side of the Wall and the wildlings are going through a bit of culture shock. Ygritte in particular is confused by the idea of drums, banners, windmills, palaces, and the word “swoon.” Of course, Jon Snow finds this lack of an understanding of basic words and concepts adorable and the two furry love birds spend most of the episode making out and DTRing. Apparently, the couple that knows nothing together, Jon Snow, stays together, Jon Snow. In less flirty news, Jon Snow is pretty sure Mance and his wildlings are destined to fail when they attack Castle Black because history repeats itself and wildlings have a worse track record than the French.

As we head south, Bran and his crew are resting around a fire, having moved past RabbitGate. Jojen’s been helping Bran unpack his crazy three-eyed crow dreams and now our favorite paraplegic prince has all gone white-girl-in-Africa and thinks he’s found his calling. Post-legs, his purpose in life is to head north of the Wall and quite literally follow his dream. To which Osha and her aggressively unkempt eyebrows say a big No. Turns out Osha’s ex became a white walker and the break up was not mutual (she lit him on fire). Also, WHERE’S RICKON? Drink.

In Riverrun, the Tullys prepare for the wedding of Edmure and Walder Frey’s daughter by reminding us how awful Walder Frey is (“worse than wet shits”). Robb takes this last bit of pre-wedding free time to not plan out the next move in the war he started and is currently fighting but instead to have sex with his wife. Which is effective because, congrats, she’s pregnant. This is a big thumbs up for Robb who, at this point, has no idea if the younger Stark boys are still alive. He’s still got 99 problems but the heir ain’t one.

robb-wife-naked

It’s hard to win a war when your naked wife keeps writing Valyrian postcards in the war room.

Obligatory Theon update: Still being tortured by that guy from Misfits, only now there are two naked girls, a lot of hype about Theon’s penis, and oh yeah, they cut off his balls. For anyone keeping track at home, there are now 8,002 eunuchs on this show.

Somewhere near Riverrun, Arya is butt-hurt and honor-sore that Dondarrion gave Gendry up to Melisandre. In fact, Arya is so down about it, she declares Death her one true god and in the process becomes the most emo 12-year old with a bowl cut in all of Westeros. To top this off, the Brotherhood decides not to go to Riverrun so Arya escapes in a huff only to get caught by the Hound faster than you can say “facial scars and a fear of fire.”

Speaking of Gendry, he’s on a boat with Melisandre surrounded by the shipwrecks of Blackwater Bay. Melisandre immediately launches into full Maury Povich and tells Gendry he’s Robert Baratheon’s bastard son (you ARE the father!).

magaery-sansa

If Aaron Sorkin wrote a show about princesses and their burgeoning sexualities.

In King’s Landing, Sansa and Margaery pull a West(eros) Wing as they walk and talk through the royal gardens. Sansa clearly is not into dwarves or facial scars or having gaydar so Margaery teaches her a thing or two about social feminism and the power of motherhood and the beauty of female sexuality and the symbolism of flowers.

Tyrion is just as unhappy as Sansa with their arranged marriage, although for less aesthetic reasons and more being secretly in love with a wise, foreign whore reasons.  There is just no way that Shae and Tyrion and Sansa are going to be okay with this situation no matter how many enormous gold necklaces Tyrion buys. It’s actually pretty sad how much of a love and duty pickle Tyrion is in.

On the Iron Throne, Joffrey has finally realized that he has no idea what’s going on (too busy torturing prostitutes) so he tries to take back some power from his grandpa. A snivelly child-king, however, is no match for Tywin “Power Trip” Lannister who quickly asserts his control by way of the most passive aggressive ascent of four steps that has ever occurred.

Across the Narrow Sea, Daenarys is being as awesome as ever but now in a new city called Yunkai (that snazzy ziggurat with the eagle on top in the opening credits). As soon as she gets a whiff of slavery, Harriet Tubman, I mean Dany meets with Yunkish Wise Master and slaver Razdal Mo Eraz to talk money and war and emancipation. Ever the humble host, Dany introduces herself as Daenarys Stormborn, Queen of the Andals and the First Men, Khaleesi of the Great Grass Sea, Breaker of Chains and Mother of Dragons and then casually feeds her dragons hunks of meat. Razdal offers Dany and her Unsullied the gold and ships she needs to kill it in Westeros if she agrees to leave Yunkai. But Dany, ever the social progressive, has a Strange Addiction and it’s freeing slaves. She turns down the offer and keeps the gold. No deal, Yunkish Howie Mandel.

Back in Westeros, we finally get to the titular bear and lady fair (or rather, lady well-trained at swordplay) with the continuing saga of Jaime and Brienne. First things first, Brienne’s dress. Second, Roose Bolton lets Jaime go but keeps Brienne so Jaime promises to carry out Brienne’s mission of retrieving the Stark girls. Aw, redemption! Once on the road, however, Jamie realizes that sapphire-hungry Locke is never going to return Brienne back to Tarth. This realization occurs during a particularly gruesome hand-stump-bandaging scene (pro-tip: do not look into the eye of the stump). Jaime quickly hurries back to Harrenhal to find that Brienne (Lady Fair) has been forced to gladiator-fight a bear (The Bear) with only a wooden stick. Having worked as a rodeo clown before joining the King’s Guard, Jaime jumps into the bear pit and helps Brienne escape all with one hand. She finally calls him Jaime, he smiles lovingly, and the adventures of Brienne and Jaime live to see another day.

game-of-thrones-the-bear-and-the-maiden-fair

The Bear and the Lady Fair, not in that order.

Here’s to hoping next week’s episode is 60 full minutes of Theon torture.

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