Game of Thrones Season 3 Episode 9 G-Chat Recap
“The Rains of Castamere”
Willie and I, your two resident Game of Thrones recappers here at TTTV, have read the books, so we knew what this episode would contain as soon as we saw the title. Given the shocking content, we decided a live gchat viewing would be the best way to serve the story (plus we live in different cities so we really just wanted to watch tv together again). If you hate us and our self-indulgent commentary, go ahead and skip down to the second photo – everything you need to know is itemized below it in the chat. Alternately, just watch this to get the basic (traumatic) gist.
me: Okay, here we go, live gchat of the penultimate episode of Game of Thrones season 3 begins
Willie: some times at work when things get dramatic i play this theme song out loud until my coworkers notice
OOH, THE TWINS in the credits
me: good ol’ yunkai
that no one really cares about because it’s not in westeros
Willie: but slavery!
me: everyone likes slavery, good point
Willie: so robb and his mom are playing really big chess
me: uh oh
they’re resolving their conflict
don’t these people know that if their lives are going well, trouble will immediately follow?
Willie: as taylor swift said, “trouble”
me: shoutouts to guest right rituals
i liked how in the book robb has to ask for the bread and salt all pointedly because he’s worried and wants the guest right protection
Willie: serious question: where is mr norris?
me: no idea what you’re talking about
Willie: harry potter!
me: isn’t it mrs. norris?
Willie: i’m on a lot of mucinex right now
me: you’re fired
Willie: walder frey cant even name all his daughters
but good guessing, walder. waldina is basically the same as…mary.
me: the old-man-leering is really lasting
Willie: in case anyone is wondering, edmure is indeed the same actor who played brutus in everyone’s third favorite hbo show, Rome.
“i bet when you take that dress off everything stays right where it is” #walderpickuplines
on to dany, EUNUCHS EUNUCHS EVERYWHERE
im still trying to decide whether daario is weird-looking or conventionally attractive.
cannot stand the growing sexual tension between daario and dany
not rooting for that at all
Willie: to be fair, by sexual tension, you mean he just says overtly sexual things and then squints like he’s on vampire diaries
me: well yes
but she gave him a little smile
Willie: if wario is mario’s evil counterpoint, daario is his really flirty one
on to sam and gilly
serious question: what is a sallyport?
me: it’s like a secured door i think
Willie: pretty sure sam’s answer to all questions is, I read about it
which means when he and gilly inevitably get it on, THINGS ARE GONNA GET TECHNICAL
me: you have to wonder what kind of sex-ed books they have in westeros
maybe margaery will write one
can’t wait to see gifs of the hound lifting that cart on the rory mccann fan tumblrs i follow
Willie: IM JEAN VAL JEANNNNNN
is what i’d write on the gif of the hound lifting a cart because…oh never mind
me: bran’s voice is having all the puberty
me: how would you drink your own blood from your own skull?
presumably you would not survive the cup-crafting step
THINK ABOUT IT RICKON, YOU WERE LIED TO
Willie: re: bran’s voice, if this whole “vision purpose quest” doesn’t work out
–> phone sex operator
me: he is growing up fast, after all
Willie: “selling horses, he’s got some gold in that” -wildling entrepreneur
me: Wildling Economics 101: people who sell things may possess currency
Willie: apparently, they know nothing, jon snow, about keynesian economics
me: it is interesting that the wall demarcates completely distinct climates
Willie: it’s like the berlin wall of grass color.
me: oof there’s a simile you don’t hear every day
what part of the pig is the hound supposed to be eating?
for real though. it doesn’t really look like a hock but maybe it’s just that his hands are too big?
Willie: when i lived in vietnam last year, i ate pig ear, pig tail, pig nipple, and pig stomach and that is none of those things.
me: let’s just call it a testicle and move on
Willie: spin-off show: On the Road starring Arya, the Hound, Jaime, Brienne, and Jack Kerouac
me: we should probably have discussed how cool arya is and whether she’s going to actually kill the hound someday like the little ninja badass we hope she’ll become
it is surprising that no one has beaten arya up by now
Willie: speech, hodor, SPEECH
me: woop bran warg’ed hodor
Willie: that was barely a sentence
oh man, i loved this scene in the books
me: he should have made hodor say something, just for kicks
Willie: i get so much pleasure out of every near crossing of paths the starks (and jon snow) take part in
me: that’s definitely not a horse dying, osha, that’s definitely a sheep having an average day
Willie: WAS ABOUT TO SAY
THAT EXACT THING
me: watching no one take mackenzie smith seriously is pleasurable, whether it’s GoT or the Office or Pirates or…
WARG THEM BRAN
Willie: it’s a little sad to see how far ygritte has fallen since she got a typing job and left downton abbey as a symbol of lower-class women crossing the threshold of the working world
me: aw jon saved ygritte from taking his side
Willie: jon was basically fine killing his friend and colleague but god forbid he kill a nameless horse trader
me: he’s terrible at executions
it’s not even a fair test
he should remind them he couldn’t kill ygritte either, even for the night’s watch
he’s more of a crime-of-passion man
“you were right the whole time” = first time jon has been badass, maybe ever
Willie: and now we’re watching animorphs
me: ORELL IS TOBIAS NOW
high five to the three people in the world who will get that joke
Willie: but also, duh he was always a crow
back to yunkai
can “whistling” mean anything but cunnilingus?
me: he walks like his clothes are too heavy but he’s trying to play it off as a swagger
uh, when does whistling ever mean cunnilingus?
Willie: let’s not think too hard about that
this episode has so much violence
me: it’s cool that they take the time to give everyone their own fighting style, especially twirly ones
and that we get to see an Unsullied actually fight a real opponent
Willie: is that really the best thing talisa has to wear to a wedding? come on, oona, say yes to the dress
me: how many takes do you think they did for edmure’s reaction shot?
Willie: oho, edmure snagged a hottie
me: who apparently is the photocopy version of miranda kerr
Willie: if he’s into girls that might do russian teen porn, he just lucked out
me: there is absolutely no question in my mind that edmure is indeed into that
Willie: RICKON REACTION SHOT
WHO IS HE
HE GOT ANOTHER LINE
THIS IS HIS EPISODE
me: he got higher billing than rory mccann
Willie: bran is such a pretty girl
me: rickon is very much the cover of my copy of david copperfield
Willie: ok, now rickon is talking too much.
me: do you think every week, meera gets her script, reads it through, and then sighs and gazes off in the distance, waiting for osha to leave?
she must be happy now
she’ll get to have lines again
Willie: “he’ll learn to walk in darkness” UGH growing up as a stark is so tough
me: taking bets on when we’ll see rickon again
Willie: season 5
he’ll be 27
me: JORAH’S HEART JUST BROKE
aw daario embroidered her a throw
REMEMBER WHO YOUR REAL LOVERS ARE GIRL
Willie: dream job: the guy who artfully flings fake blood on everyone’s faces in this episode
me: or Candle Manager
bolton is straight edge? (side note, i just learned what straight edge is)
COUNT THE BETRAYALS
Willie: sometimes the characters say aye instead of yes so we remember that this is a period piece
me: oh man everyone is so happy
Willie: WILL CERTAINLY LAST
why did robb bring the girl he ruined catelyn and walder’s deal for TO THIS WEDDING?
he needs to stop having mid-giant-chess-strategy sex and get his act together
me: it’s not the most tactful move
Willie: i love the GoT bedding ritual
me: edmure was born for the bedding ritual
Willie: i can’t decide if it’s fun and romantic or terrifying and illegal in modern america
me: sounds like the charter for every HBO drama
don’t say ned
Willie: don’t attend the wedding you reneged on and then blabber about your unborn baby and name it after your dead dad. that’s just bad etiquette.
me: welp, they’re doomed
ooh catelyn knows this song
Willie: just took more mucinex so this final 10 minutes is gonna get weird
me: how many non-book-readers do you think can recognize this song at this point?
Willie: well, cersei talked it up in the last episode, right?
me: they play it constantly and they even discussed its origin, implications, and lyrics at tyrion’s wedding
Willie: fyi, guys, it’s the rains of castamere
me: OH MY GOD IT’S HAPPENING
me: oh my god i just threw up in my mouth
Willie: BABY EXECUTION
me: i literally puked a little when they stabbed her baby-filled stomach
Willie: INDOOR ARROWS!
me: hold on i need to drink water
Willie: ALL OF THE BANNERMEN!
me: arya: “EVERY DAMN TIME”
Willie: arya has seen everything bad
yet she never runs away
YOU DO NOT KILL A DIREWOLF
YOU DO NOT
i used to skip the beginning of the lion king just to avoid seeing mufasas death but this is worse because i love dogs and am pretty ambivalent about cats
me: oh god stop it with the bleeding pregnant stomach
you used to skip the first 35 minutes of a 90 minute movie?
Willie: CATELYN IS A HERO
also, her voice just got so deep and serious
me: she’s finally doing something respectable
Willie: and not just making dreamcatchers
me: i think she played lady macbeth once? she can do intensity
Willie: wait, this is better than the book
me: this was such a bad ploy, she knows walder doesn’t care about his wives
BOLTON IS A TURD
CATELYN KILLED A LITTLE GIRL! IN THE BOOKS, IT WAS A MENTALLY DISABLED FREY SON!
me: wow no music for the credits?
Willie: oh mah gah the last thirty seconds
me: no more Rains?
Willie: wait, whats the other show that did a silent credits once and it was really famous
catelyn is dead
grey wind the direwolf is dead
i mean, uh, no i don’t know the names of the direwolves
NYMERIA (maybe), SUMMER, GHOST, AND SHAGGYDOG STILL STAND
Willie: most of the top stark bannermen are dead
me: except for Bolton
Willie: bolton is a traitor and the freys and bolton are working with the lannisters
me: was the blackfish gone still? probably still alive
the hound has arya and is presumably going to try to find someone else to sell her to
Willie: sansa is probably somewhere still coming into her womanhood
me: no news on jaime or brienne
sam and gilly and the baby who never has his face or head covered even though it’s below freezing and he’s a newborn are alive and at the wall
Willie: bran is warging out
me: osha is taking rickon to the umbers, who we haven’t met but are northmen
jon has revealed his true colors (black, duh) and run away from the wildlings and ygritte
to warn the night’s watch about the attack
Willie: dany has a crush on basically a stranger who has no problem killing his semi-allies
me: and has taken Yunkai because their army was made up of slaves and they all decided to turn on their masters because DUH
kind of a pervy stranger at that
who is only debatably attractive
Willie: but his long hair wig is so great!
oh wait no, no its not
me: his eyes are very blue but his mouth is very strange and oddly twisty
i read an interview where emilia clarke said she wished she could wear her dany wig all the time
Willie: as did i because of course we both did
me: i was not kidding about the puke, i did really do that
Willie: that pregnant stabbing was so bad
me: i’m not even that bad with fake blood
that’s so intense
Willie: poll: what broke twitter today, was it people tweeting “OMG RED WEDDING” or was it the turkish uprisings?
me: don’t answer that.
Willie: that episode seemed a lot faster paced than the last few have been
me: the deaths per minute were high, on average
Willie: ok, the theme of this episode was: killing people
feel free to disagree
but im pretty sure that’s what it was
me: more specifically we could say, “don’t trust people to protect you if it is not in their interest to do so”
i’m trying to get dany in there too
Willie: or actions speak louder than words
me: some plans are better than others
Willie: do unto others as you would have others knife your fetus
me: i see the mucinex is kicking in
Willie: ONE MORE EPISODE LEFT
me: how will the lannisters deal with their tainted victory over the northern rebellion?
will jon reach castle black in time to warn his brothers? will they trust him?
how will sam and gilly get to their sallyport, and is it slang for something more interesting?
Willie: will hodor whip out his giant dong again?
me: will bran figure out his superpowers?
Willie: will they give margaerys grandma a ton more awesome things to say?
me: will littlefinger come back because honestly i miss him so much i don’t know what’s wrong with me?
Willie: will dany mack on her new boy toy/military underling?
me: will jorah cry himself to sleep every night and be comforted by barristan and grey worm?
Willie: will tyrion and shae still feel uncomfortable around each other and please why can’t they be happy i love them?
me: will the hound and arya continue their love-hate roadtrip?
Willie: who will clean up after that wedding cuz if i catered it i’d be pretty pissed that a) no one cared about the food and b) there’s the blood of walder’s teen wife all over my silverware?
me: will arya somehow still be cool even though she’s had more near-misses with witnessing trauma than most tweens can handle?
who will plan the mass funeral?
how do you bury a direwolf?
will jaime and brienne spoon?
thanks for reading, everybody
next week is the finale!