G-cap: Game of Thrones Season 3 Episode 10

Game of Thrones Recap:  Season 3 Episode 10
Apparently you folks liked the G-chat Recap format, so Willie and I saddled up our laptops again for the season 3 finale.  Read our ramblings below for notations of all the important developments, a bit of book-fueled explanation, and most importantly, Willie not on Mucinex.
Me and Willie.

Me and Willie.

me:  okay
let’s start in three
 Willie:  woohoo
 me:  handsome nikolaj with the top billing
 me:  he’s already becoming a star
called it from the pilot
hopefully this is just an hour of reaction dialogue and sansa crying
like a ‘next time on mad men’ but traumatizing
 me:  i’m hoping it will be the lannisters just sitting around drinking and sassing
 Willie:  or the karstark spinoff we’ve all been waiting for
 multi-camera sitcom, of course
starring jim belushi
also, fyi, mhysa means mother in yunkish
thats the title of the episode
so fingers crossed dany goes wild
 me:  here’s the stark camp being ravaged post-wedding, bolton looks on
 the freys sewed robb’s direwolf’s head onto his body
that’s not classy
 Willie:  what is this, a mexican folk-catholic parade?
 me:  good thing arya got to see that, in case the basic facts weren’t traumatic enough
 Willie:  pretty sure sansa only walks down this one path in the kings landing garden over and over again every episode
 me:  she’s easily amused
 Willie:  the cinematographer is having a grand old time playing up the tyrion/sansa height difference
 me:  it’s so hard to bond with your wife/child-bride when your mistress is watching
 Willie:  sansa’s idea of a prank: sheep poop
always a lady
 me:  oh, of course the ladies of king’s landing have heard of pod’s exploits
 Willie:  POD gotta bat dose ladiez off
 me:  they really like that joke on this show
 Willie: and yet…it’s…not good
ooh, a coded message from the twins
“two wolf pelts” is girl code for “two murdered starks”
 me:  joffrey knows NOTHING about catering
tyrion just straight up threatened joffrey in front of his mother, among others
varys is so over joffrey
so is tywin
joffrey is not that clear on his actual parentage but does make a good point about tywin being a selfish hang-back weenie during the targaryen war
 Willie:  this scene would have been a lot shorter if they just cut to the chase and showed joffrey crying over his micropenis
 me:  joffrey’s dialogue here is an exact recreation of every time i put a four year old to bed while babysitting
Willie: “somebody needs a nap”
me: i love tyrion’s lean-back sitting position
that’s getting added to the drinking game
which we’ll need to revise every season, given all the deaths and new characters
 Willie:  game of thrones is really just musical chairs with a big budget and dragons and a wee peter dinklage
 me:  duh, Game of Chairs
so bolton controls the north now, that’s what he got out of the wedding
 Willie:  until tyrion has a baby
and edmure didn’t get a thing off his registry at williams-sonoma
 me:  tywin’s doing the standard “rape your wife” pep talk
not wanting to rape your wife is a “selfish desire” now
 Willie:  either the lannisters really like eerily shadowed rooms or shae hasn’t had a chance to go to the candle store in a few days
 me:  well she’s not experienced at that job, she’s really only trained in one profession
oh right family-cide
 me:  tywin wanted to drown tyrion at birth, no surprises there
 Willie:  run meera run
 me:  hodor found a friend he can really have a conversation with
and that friend happens to be a hole in the floor.
 Willie: i know we talked about this last week but bran is such a soothing woman when he monologues
 me:  i don’t remember whether this story is based on a greek myth or the bible
i’ve read it before, so probably greek myth
 Willie:  rat-cook doesn’t sound super biblical but i only had the children’s illustrated
bahahah walder frey is finishing up some wedding leftovers
 me:  i just mean the story of serving your children to honor a guest but then it ends badly
they need some nature’s miracle for those floors
 Willie:  oooh, the blackfish escaped
 me:  walder frey also has micropenis issues
 Willie:  and then the song forever young starts playing and napoleon dynamite is at prom and  jay z is sampling it
 me:  it’s finally revealed that creepy hobbit is bolton’s bastard son ramsay
who razed winterfell against his father’s will
 Willie:  and that he is eating theons penis
 or a sausage without context
 me:  i was going to say it looked really delicious but you ruined it
 Willie:  now theon has really got a micropenis issue
 me: heyo
theon is the Fly
or the Ripley clone in Alien 4
 Willie:  or maybe ramsay just really doesnt like lily allen music
ahhh, theon got a new nickname! Reek!
 me:  theon is getting hella brainwashed
reek, reek, it rhymes with EXTREME DESPAIR
there’s something in the haunted castle?  YOU DON’T SAY
sam vs children, not a fair fight
 Willie:  sam and gilly and bran! oh my!
its a little reunion
 me:  a reunion of people who have never met
 Willie:  i’d say this is like two ships passing in the night but ships usually dont stop and talk and compliment each others’ bastard brothers
 me:  “please sam” in a woman-boy voice just gave me lord of the rings flashbacks
 Willie:  IRON ISLANDS, its been a long time
 me:  please let that box not contain a penis
 Willie:  or gwyneth paltrow’s head
me: NO
Willie: annnnd that’s a penis
 me:  close the box already
 me:  balon is stone cold about his son being castrated
 Willie:  yara still hasn’t said anything in this scene and it’s been a good three penis-box-ogling minutes
 me:  balon would rather let his child be tortured and slowly mailed to him than give up some fishing villages
this kind of parenting has really fallen out of fashion lately
 Willie:  so many father-son issues this episode
 me:  i wonder if theon knows that yara is the only person who cares about him
i love the iron islander theme music
 Willie:  she just wants to get mistakenly fingered again
 me:  oh good, sam saved the rest of the dragonglass daggers
he’s not a total idiot
 Willie:  “A WALKER ATE MY BABY” -Gilly, if she were Australian
 me:  HAHA
more LOTR, sam is now galadriel the elf queen, with gifts suited to each fellowship member
 Willie:  ok, elephant in the room, meera has anne frank hair
i wonder if any scene in this episode has a purpose besides setting up season 4
cool facial hair, gendry, also, cool class consciousness
 me:  gendry needs to realize he is not as smart as he thinks he is
it’s nice that melisandre lets him stay groomed in jail though
 Willie:  i survived dragonstone jail and all i got was a kevin federline goatee
 me:  i was penis-leeched and all i got was this mustache trimmer
 Willie:  high-borns say the darndest things – tv show hosted by gendry and bill cosby
 me:  i wouldn’t watch that.
 Willie:  i think it’s just downton abbey
 me:  but with Bill Cosby
do not want to know how shae’s mother made her “not a child” at age 9
 Willie:  uh oh varys is talking to shae that cant be good
 me:  shae’s having such pure emotions
 varys is trying to get shae out of king’s landing
 Willie:  all i think about in varys scenes is why is his voice not high, when was he castrated, what spf does he use on his head
 me:  because she is distracting to tyrion
 Willie:  this episode is all about what youre born into
birth right/fate/doom!
 me:  shae chose to stay with tyrion despite having no future with him and having a great alternative presented to her on a platter ie fresh monay
 Willie:  podrick and tyrion are playing the game of thrones drinking game along with the audience
 me:  and loving it, amirite?
cersei is confident she won’t marry loras
 Willie:  when people in this show are confident in things, they always happen
 me:  yes that is true , you can rely on it
 Willie:  whoa, cersei is letting loose about being super depressed and only happy when she’s with her kids
she’s the brooke shields of westeros
 me:  if your children are your only happiness, and joffrey is your firstborn, you WILL have depression
 Willie:  if cersei and tyrion stopped being so pissy, they would be the best friends ever
 me:  they really would be
they already are in practice
 Willie:  arya is such a good forest-grifter-child-cum-serial-killer
 me:  arya just killed her first man!
i’m so proud
 Willie:  next stop, old man!
 me:  ssshhhhhh
jon’s facial blood is so symmetrical
 Willie:  i don’t even care about jon snow right now, more drunk lannisters please
 me:  knowing that i won’t see them talk to each other with bitter wit and cruel insight for 9 months is so hard
 Willie:  that was just about the most tender “you know nothing jon snow” i’ve ever heard
“you had me at ‘you know nothing jon snow,’ jon snow”
 me:  wow ygritte is straight up trying to murder her boyfriend who just said he loved her
 me:  maester aemon is so amused by sam bringing a girl home
 me:  is it weird that i think gilly is one of the cutest girls on the show?
 Willie:  ive loved her every since she was an over-medicated, anorexic on skins series 1-2.
 she’s the taylor swift of england.
 me:  what??
why IS there a g in night
davos asking the hard-hitting questions
 Willie:  in our world, kids have eczema. in westeros, greyscale.
 me:  but no one in westeros seems to have acne, so, there you go
davos is the Hand for stannis
and just got word about the white walkers from the Wall
 Willie: i love that all the leaders send little newsletters to all the other leaders.
proto-email marketing.
and davos is stannis’ spam filter.
 me:  “hi gang!  happy midsummer.  here’s what i’ve been up to”
Waiting for Willie to pee is like waiting for Theon's storyline to go somewhere.

Waiting for Willie to pee is like waiting for Theon’s storyline to go somewhere.

Willie: okay
 me: okay
i feel like stannis has a new outfit and i like it
he wants to set gendry on fire to win the throne, fair enough
gendry: “IM ON A BOAT AND i have no idea how this works wheres kings landing do you have some dramamine”
 me:  this is the second Lonely Island song in the episode
so davos saved gendry from melisandre
 Willie:  jon snow: professional pin cushion
 everyone is getting arrowed this season, ros, the red wedding peeps, jon, what is this GAME OF ST SEBASTIAN? #nailedit
 me:  saying “sam” while crying
this episode is so LOTR
 Willie:  DADDY’S HOME
me:  no one recognizes him without his hand
and with his really hot beard
i hope he doesn’t shave now that he’s home
it’s important to me
Willie: “hottie with an almost complete body”
 me:  oh man emotions
cersei, do you still love jaime even though he is, you know, a couple pounds lighter
 Willie:  jaime, do you still love cersei even though she’s still seen as a bad person and you’re on a season-long road to redemption?
i think the last time melisandre blinked was season 2
 me:  the light in this room is like a music video
davos found a way for stannis to gain some popular support
 Willie:  the true war lies to the north!
also melisandre supports this because she’s afraid of the dark and winter is coming
 me:  melisandre saved davos’s life just now
stannis is just NOT IN CHARGE
 Willie:  this episode is all about ladies doing whatevuh they lady well please
 me:  speaking of that, DANY
on a booster rock
because she is tiny
 Willie:  DRAGON ENDING? so season one
 me:  i want dany to put her hand on jorah’s shoulder
 “people learn to love their chains”
 Willie:  you can’t choose family but you can choose thousands of slaves you freed on a whim
 me:  dany is angelina jolie
 Willie:  dany’s views on “freedom” are similar to jewel’s views on “her hands” in that both are “not yours they are my own”
 me:  nailed it
 Willie:  anyone else waiting for dany to start crowd surfing?
 me:  ugh the dragons look so good
 she’s going to need some hand sanitizer
 Willie: so season one ended in fire, and season two in ice, and season three back in fire
 me:  this isn’t fire, it’s crowd surfing
season one ended in fire,  season two in ice, and season three in crowdsurfing and vaguely ethnic music!

me:  this music is a little lion king
 Willie:  so nothing crazy happened in that finale
but it showed all the people and set up season three well
 me:  too much gendry, not enough lannisters
lannisters drinking
that’s all i want
That’s all folks – thanks for playing the GAME OF THRONES with us this season! See you in 9 months for Season 4 and even more micropenises, Sansa tears, and cutting offhand remarks from the Lannisters (PUN INTENDED).

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