Oh, True Blood. You silly, silly goose.
True Blood’s that person you knew in college who seemed normal at first but then turned out to be real crazy and you were really glad you didn’t have to keep running into her after graduation and it’s been a while so now you just remember her as quirky but then you run into her and instantly it all comes flooding back and there’s a naked bloody vampire goddess and she hasn’t changed at all and maybe she got even crazier and it’s awful and you hate yourself but you can’t stop watching. Which is to say that I love True Blood, but I hate myself for loving it and also I hate True Blood. I haven’t had this complicated of a relationship with something since I still don’t know why my college girlfriend broke up with me but look directly above for how I feel about it.
But let’s never talk about that again! On to the utter nonsense that constituted Season 6’s crazy season premiere!
Previously on True Blood: Mostly basic, normal stuff. Jason is vampire-racist now. Lafayette inherited powers from his dead Mexican witch boyfriend. Terry was chased by an Iraqi fire demon. Eric killed the Vampire King of Louisiana outside a fairy tent. Andy had fairy quadruplets. Oh, and Bill drank the blood of Lillith, spawn of Vampire God, then exploded, then re-formed as a scary, naked, bloody uber-vampire that I will never stop calling Billith. Basic stuff.
For general reference throughout this recap, assume that every character is aggressively shellacked in blood AT ALL TIMES unless I say otherwise.
The action picks up right where season five left off. The Vampire Authority compound is going to blow up, Bill is Billith, and Sookie and Eric need to run. After momentarily getting stuck in an elevator (where Sookie uses some of her very limited fairy power as a low-wattage flashlight…sigh), all one million True Blood characters join up, get the hell out of Dodge, get the hell into a Dodge, and drive away. But first, the bloodiest carpool ever (save that one clown car full of hemophiliacs) turns around to see Billith, still naked, emerge from the flames and FLY LIKE SUPERMAN STRAIGHT INTO THE AIR. CUT TO CREDITS. WHAT.
Two minutes of catfish/baptism/rotting-fox montage later, the carpool has apparently forgotten about the traumatizing things that just happened and are casually listening to the Louisiana governor on the radio. Cut to the governor who the internet tells me is named Truman Burrell but who I’m pretty sure is actually James Carville’s younger brother. Anyways, as a reaction to the recent human deaths caused by the True Blood shortage (the drink, not the show, no one died waiting for more Sookie Stackhouse), James Carville Jr. is instituting a vampire curfew, closing down all vampire-run businesses, and encouraging humans to buy guns. Seconds away from J. Carvs flat out saying, “Hey guys, this is a Nazi analogy,” some liberal (see: pink streak in hair) girl throws a blood balloon at him in vampire-loving protest. Before you can say “PETA?” the governor has her hauled away. Then, he quotes Andrew Jackson just so you know he’s a no-nonsense kind of guy. This is going to be a fun season-long antagonist.
Back in the carpool of all the show’s likeable characters and also Tara, Pam says the worst line of dialogue ever written (“I don’t know about the world but I’m about to end your face”) and finally everyone seems to remember that they just saw Bill morph into the child of Vampire God and that that’s a big deal and that they should talk about it. The consensus seems to be that they need to band together and kill Bill (GOOD ONE, TRUE BLOOD) because Lillith is terrifying.
The crew parks at a beach to regroup. Though they all see the ocean, only Jessica tries to wash off so from this point on, keep assuming everyone is aggressively shellacked in blood but Jessica is only fairly shellacked in blood.
Tara tries to calm Pam down but Pam can’t stop freaking out about Eric lying to her and Nora being so close to Eric and the writers giving her the second worst line of dialogue ever written (“I hate the beach. Fish piss and sand in your cooch”) as well as the first. Meanwhile, Sookie and Jessica bond over both loving Bill deep down even if he’s now a biblical lady monster. Nevertheless, Sookie tells Jessica that it’s time to let Bill go (because he’s a biblical lady monster). Nora interrogates Jason on Warlow, the vampire who killed Jason and Sookie’s parents, before revealing that Warlow was Lillith’s progeny and even got some shout-outs in the Vampire Bible. Jason’s not in the greatest headspace right now so he says a lot of anti-vampire slurs and heads off alone to seek revenge. What he finds instead, however, is an old man willing to pick up a hitchhiker completely covered in blood. This sets off no warning signals because Jason is a few nipples shy of an Alcide scene as they say so he starts telling the STRANGER his LIFE STORY.
Back on Cooch Sand Beach, it seems Bill is trying to summon Jessica. When she resists, she throws up a ton of blood (she’s now back to aggressively shellacked) and faints. Sookie, Nora, and Eric get the brilliant idea to take Jessica back to the blood Superman god that did this to her. Tara and Pam return to Fangtasia on their own where their fighting quickly becomes that things when lesbians start dating and then move in real fast and adopt a dog except for one of these lesbians is in platonic love with her Scandinavian maker. Their shared self-esteem issues are interrupted by the state militia who have arrived to occupy the vampire-run establishment under the governor’s order. In the fray, Tara gets shot because she’s an idiot.
Across town in a bottling plant, Governor Carville (né Truman Burrell) meets with Ms. Suzuki, head of the True Blood company and owner of the license plate TRUBLD1 which is also her Xanga handle. The governor wants to fund a True Blood bailout since the company’s factories were just bombed. Suzuki-san will only agree to the deal if it’s secret because the governor’s anti-vamp and vamps are her only customers. Not the greatest ally…but they strike a secret alliance nevertheless. Also, the governor jaunts all around the plant very confidently because he’s a no-nonsense kind of guy.
The crew finally arrives at Bill’s house to find a bloody trail of footprints, a pile of powdered blood, and a freshly clean Bill (everyone else: still aggressively shellacked). This normal-seeming Bill has done a 180 from insane naked monster and now just wants to talk. That doesn’t stop Nora and Eric from attacking or from Sookie staking him from behind. There must still be a little bit of Billith in him though because the only thing the lethal staking does is totally ruin his brand-new off-white henley. Ain’t no club soda gonna get that out. Continuing along their parallel but divergent paths with Bill, Sookie entreats her former lover to leave Bon Temps forever, taking the evil of Billith with him, while Jessica hopes Eric and Nora will leave instead. “You guys, Bill is still normal old Bill”, says Jessica as normal, old Bill MAKES THE EARTH RUMBLE.
Yep, that’s right. Bill has telekinesis now. He can cause earthquakes and stop coffee mugs from spilling. Once the others have left, Bill and Jessica fall into this sentimental domestic situation that is also tinged with fear and the memory of being aggressively shellacked in blood. It’s like Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf but with vampires and telekinesis and everything else that makes True Blood the hot mess it is. Bill seems to think he’s still just Bill and he’s just as afraid of his new powers as everybody else. Is he Bill? Is he Billith? Can I please keep calling him Billith regardless?
Over at Sookie’s, Eric and Sookie confess that they still have feelings for each other. Out of nowhere, Eric asks for a pen and paper, stabs himself in the arm, and aggressively shellacks the piece of paper with a blood contract giving Sookie her house back. Out of more nowhere, Sookie rescinds her invitation to Eric and he’s forced out of her house. Maybe she’s finally realized that hanging out with vampires has caused every bad thing that has every happened to her in her life including the thing where she and Eric are still aggressively shellacked in blood.
I guess I have to mention Sam and Luna and the little wolf girl who can’t act at some point. The good news is that Luna is dead. She stayed shifted too long when she warned the world about the Vampire Authority so RIP Luna, please never come back to life. Sam and wolf-girl (ugh, fine, “Emma”) flee back to Merlotte’s where the music is just creepy enough to give you hope that something might kill them too. But alas, it’s just drunk Lafayette (the best Lafayette), here to offer Sam tequila and support after his Escape from Vampire Mountain. Lafayette even cheers Sam up with a joke about Dance Moms being “the sickest thing on TV.” Little does he know he’s on a TV show where a were-girl and a shape-shifting bartender covered in the blood of his shape-shifting dead girlfriend are talking to a gay black witch who sees the decapitated head of his former lover from time to time.
In other news that is completely unrelated to the main action, Arlene and Terry are helping Andy raise the four half-fairy babies that popped out of his magical one night stand last season. When Andy can’t handle all the pressure and responsibility, Arlene tells Andy what every mom tells their child on Teen Mom: “When you stick Mt. Happy inside someone’s hoo-ha without a raincoat on, babies come out.” If that’s not a plea for better sex education in Louisiana schools, I don’t know what is. Anyways, Andy realizes that being a parent is amazing and beautiful and he’s happy…until he wakes up from a nap to see that the quads are already toddlers. Apparently, fairy babies grow up faster than Upper East Side tweens. Regardless of how much I forced that last sentence, this storyline is amazing.
Also, tangential: Alcide is the new pack leader. All he has to do to cement his leadership is eat the old pack leader while the old wolf lady waxes poetic on power being a drug (EPISODE THEME). After an amuse-bouche of white guy forearm, Alcide meets new wolf-woman Danielle whose boobs are already out so clearly she’s a serious actress and she’s totally going to be used for non-sexual scenes. Fast-forward to Alcide and Danielle making out. Former wolf-slampiece (Rikki?) finds them, starts making out with Alcide too. THIS IS ART. But she’s mad at Danielle so she goes to bite her. Oh wait, not bite, start a threesome. HIGH ART. Rikki: “I’m your number one bitch.” HIGHEST ART. SISTINE CHAPEL.
Back to the action. After what seems like hours of blood-shellacked storytelling, Jason finally realizes that maybe this skeezy old man who kind of looks like Anthony Hopkins might be a little shady. Too late, Jason, because Schmanthony Schmopkins reveals himself to be WARLOW and then disapparates. With no one’s hand at ten and two on the wheel, Jason crashes into a tree.
At the same time, the runic scroll by Sookie’s bed starts glowing. WARLOW CONTRACT MAGIC? I have no idea. Doesn’t matter.
At also the same time, Bill starts hearing lady screams and whipping noises and someone that sounds like Bjork saying his name. Lillith is back in all her unshaven bloody glory. All of a sudden, there are four of her and they all jump into Bill! AH! Billith! BILLITH BILLITH BILLITH! I’m so glad I can keep calling him Billith!