Recently, HBO has been hitting the tube-waves with thrillers – hard. As a single lady concerned with most things Joseph Gordon-Levitt, I settled onto my sofa after work and turned my attention to the suspenseful worlds of Looper and The Dark Knight Rises (both of which I did not see in theaters).
I gotta say, it was a little bit stressful, tube toppers! Wholly enjoyable – I liked and was entertained by both movies, for the most part. But there were definitely a few times when I felt my EMOSHUNS getting the best of me. This is the nature of thrillers: the intensity level is high throughout and the way they pull you into their DARK AND TWISTED worlds is the reason you get a little stressed out.
Thrillers are great, but you need a few things to enjoy them. Here is the Tube Top Television guide to watching thrillers, at home, alone. Thank you HBO!
1) Your snuggie is your best friend. Clutch that obscene piece of luxury for all it’s worth.
2) Have a support system. Every once in a while during The Dark Knight Rises, I would peek into my roommate’s room where she did her reading (she has a job that has “homework”), and just say, “Elissa, I’m having a stressful experience.” Just this act of commiseration is helpful, folks! If you don’t have a roommate, assault that person you can text all the time who doesn’t care with your feelings throughout.
3) Split that shit up. WHO has time for a 3+ hour thriller experience? Not me, and not my beauty rest. Cut yourself off after an hour and a half when you start. And then you’ll have the thrilling conclusion to look forward to the next time you’re needing some couch time.
4) Surf Instagram during the boring parts. You know, those parts when there are either a) long chase scenes b) objectification of nameless women or c) pretty shallow emotional development. Hold those pictures of sunsets (or stylish toddlers) with you during the scawwy parts.
5) Live tweet. Duh. (Make sure to use trendy hashtags such as: #Thriller #TheMovieNotTheDance #Scared #Scurred #Batman #JesusMaryandJosephGordonLevitt)
CONGRATS. YOU DID IT! YOU WATCHED A THRILLER AT HOME. ALONE.
That wasn’t so bad, was it? Good. We’re glad to hear that. Because here at Tube Top, we’re all about encouraging you to sit on your couch consuming stories on the screen as often as possible. THEREFORE: We hope this guide helps you out next time you feel compelled to stay in on a Friday. Or Saturday. Or work day.