Do you have a favorite television show? I bet you do. Everyone has a favorite television show. But TV has been around for a long time now, and lots of shows have come and gone…so even though your favorite show might have been really great, it’s possible that I’ve never ever SEEN it!
Even though I was gone fishin’ when your favorite show was still #1, I’m going to dig into the archives and give your show a chance. No, I’m not going to watch from the beginning—who’s got the time? Let’s start where your show really hit its stride. Let’s start with…
Season 2, Episode 9
Today, we’re watching LOST. S2E9— What Kate Did.
Here’s what I know about Lost. They were on a plane, and the plane crashed, and now they’re lost. One of the hobbits from Lord of the Rings is among the lost, although here he plays a regular-sized person. Now let’s find out what Kate did.
A very muscular Asian man emerges from a makeshift tent to greet the sunrise. His attractive and comparably ethnic tent-mate pulls him into a warm embrace. They both grin smugly in a way that reveals they are the only two people on this island getting laid. Nearby, a man who might be the spawn of Rubeus Hagrid and and a Werther’s Original gives a thumbs-up. He was clearly the only one watching.
Inside a medical facility, a Luke Wilson lookalike treats a surfer dude’s gunshot wound. This smashes some of my LOST misconceptions, because we A) are in a building and B) have access to guns. And apparently surfer dude is a real badass, because according to NotLuke, he pulled the bullet out of himself with his bare hands. Not sure why this was necessary when he could’ve just walked down to the island hospital or whatever this is, but Surfey is only concerned with one thing—where is Kate? Because, you see, he loves her. Surfey loves Kate.
Kate must be this Lara-Croft lookin’ babe picking mangoes in the jungle. She’s dangling precariously from a long limb—man, they must be starving to take such risks! Probably hungry enough to eat a horse! Which is convenient, because this jungle comes with its very own horse. And it’s a horse that induces FLASHBACKS!
Yessir, back on the mainland, before the plane crashed, Kate used to be a motorbikin’ Levi’s-wearin’ lighter-flippin’ punk. Some might call it a rebellious phase, and some others might call it murder, referring specifically to when she blows up her mom’s swampside bungalow while her stepdad is asleep in it. It’s okay, though. He was a drunk, a wife-beater, and a general creep– and on TV, those guys rarely live happily ever after. But when Kate tells her waitress mom that – SUPRISE – she’s newly single, she doesn’t get the warm gratitude that you would expect from someone whose spouse you just charbroiled. Weird. Oh well, time to get outta Dodge and get onto an island somewhere. FLASHBACK FIN.
Time to meet some new friends. The tough chick from Fast and the Furious is busy hitting a stick with a rock when she’s approached by the guy who gets run over by an elephant in Ace Ventura 2.
They discuss an impending funeral, and Elephant Splat suggests that ‘most of them realize [the death] was an accident.’ Seems like his implication is that Ms. Furious is somehow responsible for the death of a fellow islander. And I bet she is, what with all that reckless driving she and Vin get up to.
Surprise! A peek at the funeral reveals there are over 30 people on this island! That seems like a lot of survivors for a plane crash— but then, this show ran for 121 episodes and I feel like they were killing someone off every other week. At that rate, Gilligan and the Skipper would’ve been the only ones left by the end of episode five. So I guess we have to give these people some credit for not losing their shit and killing each other apocalypse-style, and for actually forming some kind of civilized clanship. As they bury their newly-dead fellow clanslady (“Shannon,” SPOILER ALERT! Not for me, I don’t even know what she looks like), they seem to be genuinely grieving, and showing affection for each other. These humans have done the impossible…no, not survive a disaster and the wilderness— they have miraculously learned how to get along with strangers.
Kate continues to nurse Surfey back to health. She apparently is nursing him so well that he decides to wake up! And his first order of business is to choke the shit out of his nurse! As he tightens his grip, he hisses, “You killed me,” channeling the soul of the charred skeleton formerly known to Kate as ‘not my dad.’
This triggers the alarm/bomb/death trap— a flip clock that ticks down towards zero. Good thing the bald mean-looking guy (hereafter BaldBad) is nearby to enter six numbers into a computer, because that stops the countdown and its obnoxious buzzing accompaniment. Luke Wilson returns and finds Surfey unconscious on the floor, with Kate nowhere to be found.
That’s because she’s halfway to the Shire by now, with Merry close behind.
She tells him about how she think she saw a horse in the jungle. Merry’s heard stories of the horses before, but he much preferred the stories of the oliphaunts. /end lord of the rings jokes
But seriously, folks, he has no idea what the fuck she’s talking about. Guess the only way to end this awkwardness is with a FLASHBACK-
Kate gets bagged by the fuzz while trying to hop a midnight train to Georgia. Apparently her mom snitched. I still don’t get why she can’t get over this whole murder of her spouse thing. Later, as Detective Asshole (he’s an asshole) taunts her while driving through a downpour, a horse *DING DING DING* runs in front of the car, causing them to crash and allowing Kate to escape. Horses ruin everything. FLASHBACK OVAH
I’m guessing that all these Kate flashbacks are specific to this episode, and in each LOST we are given a new glimpse at one of the ninety characters’ pre-crash lives. At this point, the only other person I’d want to flash back on would be BaldBad, because I feel like he’s seen some serious shit. Speak of the devil— in the computer room, BaldBad, Elephant Splat, and Link from The Matrix watch a filmstrip where a scientist from the “Dharma Initiative” tells them how they have to keep entering that code every two hours, forever, just because he says so. There are places where sections have clearly been cut from the film, but BaldBad writes this off as completely unimportant. BaldBad, that is incredibly stupid. You have a FILM from someone who BUILT this strange lab on a deserted island, and the fact that it’s been edited is not intriguing to you? Perhaps you’re not the evil genius I thought you were. But Elephant Splat has a surprise: a bible story! Which is really boring. But then he finally gives up the goods: a bible! Which is hollowed out. And inside the bible is the true jelly: SPRING SNAKES!
But seriously, folks, it’s the rest of the film strip from the Dharma guy.
This really seems like it’s worth giving the rest of the gang a heads-up, but instead BaldBad and E-Splat opt to have another private screening while Link is in the computer room.In the new footage, the scientist from the film warns his viewers NOT to use the computer to communicate with the outside world. That means no Spotify, no Perez, nothing.
Me: (shouting at TV) Quick, idiots! Go tell Link! You know he is messing around with the computer as we speak! You gave him express permission to do that!
Baldbad does not listen to me, and Link gets a sweet 1986 Gchat reading simply, ‘Hello?’
Now if you’re friends with @offtothegraces, you know that ignoring a ‘yo’ chat is a mortal sin, so rather than risk eternal damnation, Link says what up and identifies himself. To which our mysterious chatter adorably replies, ‘Dad?’ Don’t listen that chatter, Link! Get a paternity test! Call Chris Hansen!
Luke Wilson follows Kate into the woods and chastises her for abandoning a comatose man, and she screams at him for being too ‘perfect,’ then…kisses him? It’s clearly a first kiss, and one that leaves Kate very confused…so confused, in fact, that she runs away just like she alwaFLASHBACK!
Kate enters an army recruitment office, and approaches SGT SAM AUSTEN (see his nameplate.) I thought she was going to try to join the army, and was ready to be stunned about what a dumb idea that was for a fugitive, but then she pulls out this bombshell:
And that’s not even the big bombshell of this scene! But you know what, I’ll let that one remain a mystery of this eight-year-old TV show. Not because I want to protect you from spoilers– the statute of limitations is WAYYY up on that one. But because I truly believe you can only cram so many jaw-drops into one episode of television before your jaw gets tired.
So to close this one out, I’ll just give you one more little gem…
Kate finally gets to pet the horsie.
Oh, and the guy she blew up was her real father. That was the spoiler. Oops.
HOW DID S2E9 MAKE ME FEEL: This show must be incredibly dense. So many characters this early in the series, and each one has their own sensational backstory? Exhausting. Still, I liked the bits about the scientist film and the computer– definitely left me craving at least 20% of the truckload of revelations sure to come.
WOULD I WATCH THE FULL SERIES: Probably not. I worry that watching this in 4-episode dumps (as one does when watching a series post-finale) would eventually turn all my gasps to groans.
WOULD I RECOMMEND S2E9 TO S2E9ers: Yes. It’s a heart-pounding tale of accidental patricide and phantom equines.