Don’t worry, we haven’t forgotten about True Blood; I was just on vacation in Spain where table wine is cheaper than water and “Black from the Waist Down” is a real song. Thanks to OffToTheGraces for covering Episode 3, fairy CGI and all. As for Episode 4, here’s all you need to know: Ben is Warlow and also the brother from Pacific Rim which was mediocre but I kept the 3D glasses so overall a win.
But on to True Blood: as you can tell from this episode’s classy title, the name of the game is Pain. The name of the drinking game is Fuck. It’s the third word of the episode and from then on, the writers just sort of toss it in there every 30 seconds regardless of context, tone, or syntax. At one point, The Governor says Fuck You four times in one sentence and then adds another Fuck just cuz. If you gave a monkey a typewriter that only had the keys U, F, K, and C, it would take him 20 minutes to write this week’s script. If this recap is too long for you, this is the Cliffs Notes version: “Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.”
Alright, enough of that.
Like always, this episode starts the millisecond the last one finished. Unlike always, there are approximately 50 plot twists in the pre-credits alone. It’s honestly the best part of the episode. Lights up on Sookie threatening Warlow with her fairy light chi ball of doom. Instead of fighting back, Warlow tells Sookie she’s his “intended” and that he loves her and that they are meant 2 b 2gether and that he killed her parents to protect her because the Stackhouses were planning on killing HER. Whoa. Sookie thinks this is just another attempt by a supernatural man to use her for her body and asserts her independence from Warlow as “You Don’t Own Me” starts playing in Lena Dunham’s head. Over at Billith’s, Jessica is super upset that she massacred four fairy teens which even Bill is feeling uneasy about and he’s maybe the Vampire Antichrist. Then, Sookie gives Warlow a feminist light blast and Bill feels it and sees flashbacks of fire and old-timey vamp sex. All of a sudden, Bill’s at Sookie’s and he’s commanding Warlow BECAUSE BILLITH IS WARLOW’S MAKER. CREDITS.
With Billith away BEING WARLOW’S MAKER, Andy lets himself into Bill’s and sadly finds his daughters all fanged up. But wait! One is still breathing! WHICH NUMBER IS IT?! Like any responsible adult, parent, and law enforcement officer would do, Andy takes his last remaining quad to the evidence room of the police station and feeds her a criminal’s repo’ed vampire blood. He regroups with Holly the Witch once the quad is recuperating but clearly he’s angry at Jessica. Holly offers some solid moral and practical advice telling Andy not to exact revenge because, let’s be honest, Andy can’t do anything right and he’d just end up dying. Aw, man, you guys, I was so excited about this fairy quadruplet plotline but now I’m only one-fourth excited…
Tara and Eric decide to turn themselves in to find Pam. At Fangtanamo Bay, Pam is being led past a series of creepy vamp experiments – a super-speed hamster wheel, fang removal, Vampire Kinsey watching a fanger have fast-forward Ukrainian porn sex – on the way to her cell. Eric’s first stop in prison (after he gets some crisp, blue prison clothes from a 1950s movie musical) is some type of Vampire Coliseum Slash High-Concept Reality Show Set where four vampires must stand on red X’s on the ground and play Musical Chairs to death. Balls drop from the ceiling and the vamp who doesn’t get one is shot until one winner remains. Pam’s experiment is of a decidedly more introspective, less rejected Survivor reward challenge ilk: she has to talk to a psychiatrist. Or as Pam puts it, “Hold the fuck up, am I in therapy?” Each time she answers a question about the motivations and feelings (or lack thereof) of vampires, she gets a bite of pretty Asian blood donor.
Non sequitur: what do the True Blood sound technicians use to make the squishy bloodsucking sound? Does it involve cold noodles? A plunger?
Back to therapy. Pam is clearly putting on her tough girl front for the shrink, telling him vampires feel no remorse over killing humans or even other vampires. Humans love their pain. They cherish it as a virtue but for Pam, it’s a worthless emotion. She doesn’t even care about her maker. She feels nothing. What a fun case study this will make, thinks the therapist, I shall call it “Interview with the Vampire!” Oh that’s taken? Well, what about “Fuck the Pain Away: A PHD Dissertation?” Us viewers know, however, that after all the pissy fights Pam has had this season about her feelings for Eric, methinks the testy lesbian vampire doth protest too much.
At Sookie’s, Billith and Warlow are at a bit of an impasse because Billith is all “I am your maker’s chosen prophet, follow me please” and Warlow is all “No thank you, I’m kind of mad at vampires for taking away everything I ever loved.” This is then expanded upon through AMAZING CAVEMAN FLASHBACK. That’s right, back in 3500 BC, Prince Warlow had a cute pregnant wife and a fun-loving tribe and a cheap-looking historical wig that he borrowed from the Originals of Mystic Falls. One night, however, a naked vampire goddess (historical note: merkins have been in style for millennia) smelled his pheromones and jumped his fairy bones. He got turned into an immortal fairy-vamp hybrid and in 3496 BC (nailed that subtraction, True Blood), he ravaged his entire village/family (except for a young boy named…NIALL). Some time later, Warlow, angry at the damage he’d caused and people he’d lost, found Lillith while she was asleep in Plato’s cave and fairy-blasted a hole, sun-crisping her to death. This leaves many questions such as: Is Niall his son? Did Bill bring Lillith back to life from this event when he drank her blood? What are True Blood’s thoughts on transubstantiation and its role in the Protestant Reformation? When is the Neolithic manskirt going to come back into style? Are they speaking Hawaiian? It sounds like Hawaiian. It’s probably not Hawaiian.
Back in modern day, Billith proclaims Warlow and his daytime-ready fairy blood to be the salvation of vampirekind. As God always says, salvation is being able to tan. Warlow isn’t really buying what Billith is serving though. He just wants to live happily ever after with Sookie. Oh, and for all vampires to be extinct and die forever.
Sookie can’t deal with all this nonsense so she runs off to find Lafayette and sesh about being a fairy princess whose immortal vampire suitor killed her parents and wants to be in a long–term commited relationship with her. You know, girl problems. I don’t know why it took six seasons of Lafayette practicing witchcraft for Sookie to get him to séance with her dead parents (she was too busy never going to work?) but Lafayette channels his Disney’s Haunted Mansion and gets inhabited by Sookie’s dad. From Lafayette-Daddy, we learn that the Stackhouses were going to kill their daughter to save her from being constantly hunted and turned into a vampire by Warlow. IMHO, killing your daughter seems like a bit of a overreaction but to each his own, I guess. Oh, and old habits die hard so Lafayette-cum-Daddy-Stackhouse starts trying to kill Sookie again. He puts her in the car trunk, drives her to a river, and begins to baptize-murder her. Can someone call child services please?
At Merlotte’s, Terry is still feeling guilty about Ifrit and tries to pay Justin, an old Marine Corps buddy, to kill him. This plotline is so unnecessary it is LITERALLY trying to kill itself. Justin agrees to stalk Terry and kill him without warning but he won’t accept any payment. Now that’s a real friend.
On the Alcide and Sam front, we’re still waiting for the plotlines to shift into something interesting. Alcide is at some wolf bar asking a wolf prostitute if she’s seen the wolf girl when he runs into his wolf father who doesn’t help him find Luna’s daughter but does give him a big dose of gravelly voice and daddy issues. Just long enough into the episode that you’re pretty sure the writers forgot about him, we see Sam dressing after his pretty random (Friday) night (Light) with Nicole. In the wake of last night’s wolf attack, Nicole says she understands what it’s like to be a shifter now, afraid and on the run. Apparently she doesn’t understand it that well though because she immediately starts to call home and get back to real life. Sam stops her but not before Alcide’s daddy sees this from afar and two plotlines I don’t care at all about converge to make one plotline I don’t care at all about.
Time to check in with professional Lady Macbeth Sarah Newlin and her new power-man Governor Burrell. Post-coitally, Sarah tries to help the Gov move on now that his only daughter Willa was turned by Eric. She even goes so far as to suggest he impregnate her to fill the void which…makes sense…I guess. The thing is Governor Burrell can’t seem to move on and cut his daughter out of his life just yet. Apparently, all characters named the Governor have a turned daughter that they can’t stop lovin’ even when the cruel future dystopian world demands it. As Burrell rushes out to deal with Willa, Jason runs into spurned Sarah who quickly takes advantage of Jason’s general stupidity and the ex-couple’s sexual chemistry. Who knew “God wants me to fuck you” was a viable pickup line? Why, only the same person who shouts that God “feels pretty damn heterosexual” in the throes of holy sex. TRUE BLOOD, WHAT ARE YOU? NEVER CHANGE.
After whatever that was, Jessica shows up and makes it an Ex: Party of Three. The guilty vamp is raving about how God should strike her down and maybe Bill is God or maybe he’s the Devil because why else would being a vampire be so sinful. Then, she gets more emotional than a drunk college girl who just had a roommate fight and starts asking Jason if he ever loved her. Ex Party Foul, Jessica. Sarah realizes Jason was a vamp-lover, screams the line “My body is a fucking temple and you’ve defiled it with your vampire-loving pecker” (which I believe was Jennifer Love Hewitt’s response to the John Mayer “Body is a Wonderland” song) and gets Jessica arrested and sent to Vamptanamo. At the same time, Jason runs off to infiltrate the Louisiana Anti-Vampire Task Force and save Jessica…ruh roh.
Speaking of, Tara has been in prison for 45 minutes and I’m pretty sure she already has a prison wife. Jessica runs to her and starts going off on her crazy religious crisis again asking if Tara believes in devils and if vampires are actually the bad ones. When one particularly tough-looking lady inmate (you know she’s tough because her eyebrows) gets up in Jessica’s grill at feeding time, Tara swoops in and protects her and also confirms that tough-looking lady inmate is going to make a reappearance later in the season. As this occurs, the guards bring Willa in. Looks like the Governor didn’t care too much about his daughter. Well, he cared enough to give her her own VIP cell, not enough to not imprison her and not hand her over to a guard who hints that he’d appreciate a “ball-licking.”
Welcome to VAMP CAMP (which is assuredly a throwaway joke one writer muttered but was then written down and turned into a season-long plot after showrunner Alan Ball had one too many mojitos)!
At this point, the camp counselors at Vamp Camp are all ready for the age-old camp tradition, Gladiator-Style Death Match. The Governor has joined Sarah and Steve Newlin (the second drinking game of this episode is chug every time someone says “gay vampire ex”) to watch Eric fight for his life. But first, Eric and the Governor say Fuck as many times as two characters in a cable television show can. The two aren’t getting along these days now that Eric has realized his emotional ploy of turning Willa did not sway the Governor from his principles. To make matters worse, Eric’s opponent in the Fight Club match is no other than Pam who now has to prove that her own emotions won’t get in the way of all the tough vampire mumbo jumbo she told the therapist.
As Sarah Newlin says, “Haven’t you seen Gladiator? Fucking fight!”