Like my relationship with True Blood, much of this episode exists in a shiny, comatose fairy-dream-world secluded from human society. Like my relationship with the CVS down the street, much of this episode is about taking (Extra)care(bucks) of the ones we love. Also, the writers realize they should start killing characters to make up for the 137 they added in the first three episodes and there is nothing I love more than a good TV death. Can I get an amen?
We open on possessed Lafayette baptize-drowning Sookie in a river. But just as everyone’s favorite Southern waitress that Anna Paquin plays on an HBO show called True Blood is about to drown, Warlow runs in and saves her. He then fairy-blasts Sookie’s dad out of Lafayette, Daddy starts bawling, and Sookie White-Fangs her old man: “Go on! Git!” What a boring pre-credits sequence. All I got from it is that the ability to ugly-cry comes from your dad’s side.
Post-credits, Warlow vomits blood which means that Billith is summoning him or he had too much cook-your-own lamb in a Beijing diner but probably the former. Sookie actually does something smart and takes Warlow to shiny fairy-dream-land to save him from Billith’s pull.
Bill, angry that his summon failed and confused about Jessica’s whereabouts, is feeling out of touch with his Lord and Merkin’ed Savior Lillith. It’s like she won’t even appear naked to him in day trances anymore! The nerve! Bill takes hallucinatory matters into his own hands asking the Japanese True Blood creator to drain him into a coma. Mr. True Blood, who’s apparently recovered very quickly from being tortured by Warlow seconds before, acquiesces AND lapses into Japanese because one True Blood writer liked Babel a lot. Like near-fatal clockwork, Bill’s drainathon works and he’s soon back on the plains of vampire spirituality with fair Lillith and her blood posse. Bill wants to know what to do next and where the white room he saw in his earlier visions is but Lillith and her age-old wisdom are playing hard to get. She starts hurling fortune cookie statements like “Life is a riddle” and “3 7 15 26” at Bill. When he beat out the other vamps to drink her blood, he CHOSE to be Vampire Jesus; it is up to him to figure out how to save vampirekind. This is obviously not what Bill wanted to hear.
In Fangtanamo Bay, Pam and Eric are about to duel to the death. They even float up in the air like ninjas as they wield their battle-stakes. But we know these two confusingly dependent, sexually platonic vamps can’t kill each other! Who can they kill then? All the guards hiding around the arena in a rough, splattery way that brings to mind hockey fights.
Having totally ruined Sarah Newlin’s dream of acting out this scene from Gladiator, Eric is now in a cage being taunted by the Governor who has not forgiven him for turning his precious daughter. As payback, the Gov has decided to inject Eric’s sis Nora with Hepatitis V (good one, True Blood) right in front of his eyes. It’s like that eye for an eye thing from the Bible but with family members and Vampire AIDS. Ever the villain, Burrell walks off and leaves Eric and Nora to say their tearful goodbyes in Old Norse which coincidentally is how my sister and I end every phone call.
In her VIP cell, Willa is screaming at her father for being overprotective and hoping for a Princesses: Long Island crossover special. She just wants to get out of solitary and be treated like everyone else, Daddy! The Governor won’t have any of this and in a confused gay-rights analogy, says he prays he can fix her with science.
On the other side of Fangtanamo, Eric is watching his sister die. But, before she succumbs to Hep V, he facilitates an outrageously unbelievable escape plan. First, he somehow summons Willa who somehow releases the Viking siblings who somehow escape in guard/scientist uniforms (callback to Star Wars on the escape plan AND the incest!). Well, that was easy. As he searches for Pam and Tara, Eric sees that all the True Blood the Governor has put back into production is being poisoned with Hep V. Ominous sound effect!
At Anti-Vampire Task Force HQ, G.I. Jason is acing the preliminary interview because vampires are the only things in the world he knows anything about. Within minutes, he’s recounting vamp-hunting stories (ie the entirety of his season 5 storyline) to an AVTF manager named Boris. However, just when Jason thinks he’s got the whole infiltration thing in the bag, Sarah Newlin shows up and because he’s not the brightest fairy light ball in the land, Jason reveals his entire plan to her (and calls her a whore for Christ which is similar but not the same as a Jew for Jesus).
Sarah is in it for the long game so she allows Jason to start his first day at Fangtanamo in the copulation studies department (or as she translates it into Jason-speak, “Fucking”). In quite the reveal, it turns out that Jason’s beloved Jessica is one of the vamps he has to watch “copulate.” Ooh, Sarah, you nasty! And Ms. Newlin is willing to spotlight-burn the male vamp to death if Jessica doesn’t comply. After some particularly bad burn SFX and some particularly touching and humanity-affirming conversation between Jessica and her fellow vamp, Sarah calls off the experiment and sends Jessica back to her cell. Jason is under her manicured thumb now.
In the biggest plot twist of the episode, Terry’s storyline goes from nothing happening to something happening! Terry shows up at Lafayette’s because he wants his fellow chef to have his safety deposit box key and also because, at this point, the writers are just throwing random characters at Lafayette to give him something to do. Meanwhile, Arlene is worrying that Terry be contemplating suicide over his Ifrit guilt. Holly proposes a seemingly brilliant plan in which her neighbor vampire friend glamours Terry to forget about all the sad circumstances of his past. That night, the vampire comes over and eye-roofies Terry, making him forget about everything but his roles as father, step-father, husband and cook. At first, Holly’s hypnovamp plan seems to have worked; Terry and Arlene and the kids are back to being one big happy family, albeit one with extensive memory loss. But alas, we know something Arlene does not: Terry ordered a secret hit on himself. As the loveable father, step-father, husband and chef is taking out some trash and looking at the sky and surely thinking, “Oh man, life is so beautiful and I’m so happy, There must be some sort of dramatic irony going on, right, guys?” he’s shot in the neck. In his last moments of life, Arlene sings him a lullaby and kudos, True Blood, this really was a tear-jerking and tender moment. What is poor Arlene going to do now? Will all the minor characters die in an elaborate cycle of guilt, hit men, and memory loss?
SIDENOTE: HOW MANY PEOPLE HAVE DIED IN MERLOTTE’S PARKING LOT? MY ESTIMATE: A TON.
“Helpful” Holly is giving Andy a hand with his remaining quad who we learn is Number Four. Now that’s she all alone and adult, Number Four wants a real name. Actually, she wants four names so that every time someone addresses her, she can remember her dead baby-teen-fairy-sisters. In a seminal moment for the white trash ABCs, Andy names his daughter Adeline-Braelynn-Charlaine-Danica.
Obligatory Sam mention: Sam and Nicole realize they can’t keep running with a wolf-orphan in tow so they decide to return Emma to her grandma. Now that Granny Wolf has distanced herself from the pack, Emma’s return is pretty low-key. In fact, I stopped paying attention to the dialogue and spent most of the scene worrying about whether or not Granny Wolf was going to let Emma keep her bag of Funyuns. The scene ends with my second favorite line of the night, “Emma, I was serious about the Funyuns” so I guess it’s a no on the Funyuns front.
Alcide’s scenes, in the style of See Spot Run because, at this point why not: See Alcide run. Alcide finds Daddy. Daddy plays with Wolf-Hooker. See Daddy’s Wolf-Hooker eat KFC. Alcide is curious. Where is Sam? Daddy saw Sam. This is Sam’s bed. Alcide sniffs Sam’s bed. Alcide finds Sam. Daddy finds Sam too. Sam is friends with Nicole. Nicole is from Friday Night Lights. Alcide is mad. Alcide does not kill Sam. See Sam run. Daddy is proud. See Daddy issues improve a little.
Back at Bill’s: Out of his coma-staycation and ready to take eschatological matters into his own hands, Bill utters my favorite line of the episode, “I CAN’T WAIT ANY LONGER, TAKAHASHI!” and starts chugging Warlow’s blood. The experiments are over; it’s time to face the sun. Bill races outside and this time, does not burst into mediocre CGI flames.
Instead, he shows up at the Governor’s mansion, interrupting the Gov’s daily outdoor Bible-reading session. Security guards immediately shoot Bill a million times but bullets ain’t got nothing on Vampire Jesus. Bill telekinetically turns the guards’ guns on themselves. Despite all this crazy power, the Governor still vows to end the vampire race so Bill does the sensible thing and BEHEADS HIM. Audible gasp.
Back in Fairy-Dream-Land (not to be confused with Coma-Blood-Merkin-Land), Warlow all of a sudden realizes it’s nighttime in the real world and must be tied up so that he doesn’t ravage Sookie. Apparently, his attraction to her is so strong he pre-gamed before each of their prior night meetings. Ever the Girl Scout, Sookie binds him to a statue with some twigs that she melds together via fairy blast. Don’t ask me how that works. Once tied down literally, Warlow explains that all he wants in the world is to be tied down figuratively with Sookie. Upon hearing the phrase “arranged marriage,” Sookie puts on her “This Is What A Feminist Looks Like” T-shirt and tries to assert her independence (and ambivalence about being an immortal fairy-vampire bride.) Romantic Warlow argues that he’s been waiting for millennia for Sooki, that the couple could be a closed circle needing only each other to survive. Whoa. If Warlow were any more codependent, he’d be my mom and our family dog Otto.
Sookie finally just flies off the handle and starts telling Warlow about how everyone in Bon Temps thinks she’s a “danger-whore” (THEY ARE NOT WRONG) and maybe she should just start accepting this for herself which she does by PUTTING ON HER “THIS IS WHAT A DANGER-WHORE LOOKS LIKE” T-SHIRT, LETTING THE CRAZY VAMPIRE-FAIRY FEED ON HER, THEN FEEDING ON HIM, THEN TAKING ALL HER CLOTHES OFF (INCLUDING THE “THIS IS WHAT A DANGER-WHORE LOOKS LIKE” T-SHIRT), THEN POSING LIKE SHE’S ON THE COVER OF A TERRIBLE ROMANCE NOVEL, THEN HAVING KINKY, BONDAGE SEX WITH THE CRAZY VAMPIRE-FAIRY UNTIL THEIR GENITALS GLOW WITH THE LIGHT OF A THOUSAND SUNS AND ALL THE VIEWERS AT HOME FEEL A DEEP SENSE OF SHAME FOR WHAT THEY JUST WITNESSED.