Apparently, writing a crazy TV show is like riding a bicycle. Once you learn how, you never forget. You might get hit by a car or a ludicrous Great Plague of London flashback but you get back up and keep pedaling to Crazy Town, which is to say, True Blood is back in form this week (albeit a more emotional, less hyper-manic form than usual). This episode also has the best businesswoman v. businesswoman fight to the death I have ever seen and I used to watch a lot of The Apprentice. But I digress…
We start in the sad Nora-popping-like-a-blood-bag aftermath of last week. Eric is clearly working through the second stage of grief as he angrily blames Bill for not foreseeing Nora’s death. In fact, he’s so upset he wants to renege on the two vamps’ plan to capture Warlow. Instead, he gets all heretical up in Billith’s godly grill but Bill thinks Eric is just embarrassed he believed in anything outside himself. CREDITS…True Blood, where did all the pre-credits plot twists go? Did you use them all up three weeks ago?
A large part of this episode is the emotional journey Sookie takes as she decides whether to give herself over to Warlow for eternity as his fairy vampire princess, bring Warlow to Bill to save her imprisoned friends, or just let loose her last chi ball and high-tail it to Fresno or wherever normal life happens. A smaller part of this episode is that she and Jason update each other on their respective plotlines through voice mail. They should just read these recaps. Duh. Anyway, Sookie first returns to Fairy Dream Land to ask Warlow to help Bill and the vamps. His 6,000 year old blue balls say no. He doesn’t want to wait any longer to make Sookie his; eternity starts now (which I believe is the motto for the Mormon Church or Hostess Cupcakes or both). As Sookie runs off in a huff meta-remarking that all men are incapable of just dating her, Eric oversees her leaving the fairy portal. OoooOOOoooOOooh!
After seeing a creepy vision of Warlow in the shower, Sookie shows up at Bill’s looking like she might support his plan to use Warlow’s blood to save the vamps from the prophesied White Room of Sun Death. However, Sookie knows that Warlow will only agree to this if she becomes his eternal fairy vampire bride. A girl’s gotta have a little bit of self-respect even if it means she saves her friends undead lives so Sookie runs off in a noncommittal huff again, this time upset that Bill is trying to force her to give up her life.
In Fangtanamo, Jessica and James are basking in the afterglow of their happy, naïve, plot-driven lovemaking but alas, playtime is over and guards quickly rush in on their positive thinking session and escort them back to gen-pop. As they part, Jessica basically shouts out to James not to drink the Tru Blood (never played Telephone as a child) before running into Pam who is not so subtly buttoning her uniform back up after her “oozy but productive” therapy session with the shrink. Pam, you’re a gem.
Having returned from their sexventures, Jessica and Pam rejoin gen-pop right at feeding time which, it turns out, is exactly like how you’d imagine feeding time to be if you were an impressionable child who just saw Oliver the Musical. Doctors look down from above as the inmates all drink their poisoned Tru Blood. Over in the men’s wing, surprise, surprise, the gay, Christian, traitorous Steve Newlin (nickname: Triple Threat) is being bullied about his rations. Because James is basically Jesus at this point and can do know wrong, Steve seeks his company and gains his sympathy in recounting a hardcore eight-grade wedgie saga. Precious James then warns Steve about the Hep even though he’s not one of the cool kids. Uh oh.
Let’s not forget that Jason is still in the female prison after Sarah offered him up as a snack last week. Instead of being eaten alive, however, the younger Stackhouse has gone from fresh meat to prison wife faster than you can say Orange is the New Black. Turns out the snarkily eyebrowed she-vamp from the last two weeks is named Violet and has staked (*high fives self*) a claim on Juice Box Jason. As she sips on him all by herself, she uses her (medieval) Catholic upbringing to justify their sanctified and eternal union. It’s for situations like this that Henry VIII started his own church. Violet doesn’t even care that the rest of the ladies want a taste (especially because Tara, Jessica, and Pam aren’t drinking their rations); she just wants Jason to her own, to drink, to caress, and to Stockholm-Syndrome into wanting to sex her up consensually. It’s all very strange and Fifty Shades of Catholic.
On the other side of the bars, Sarah Newlin, in a white power suit that puts Olivia Pope to shame, is starting to face some problems. Officials won’t stop asking about the governor. A small group of vamps is refusing to drink the poisoned Tru Blood. The only solution is to torture her gay vampire ex-husband on a hamster wheel. Within 60 seconds of Sarah shining a FAKE UV light on him, Steve spills all. Steve and James are sent to the coliseum, the new holding pen for vampires who won’t drink, as Steve bursts into spineless yet redemptive tears.
Outside the facility, Tru Blood owner Suzuki is back with her TRUBLD1 license plate and she’s angry and ready to be a part of the best three minutes of television I have in my life. But first things first, something’s amiss with Tru Blood production and Sarah won’t let Suzuki see the governor or enter the bottling plant. Sarah tries to use feminism, business acumen, and sheer force of will to send Suzuki away but these two brash businessladies mean business. Suzuki kneels Sarah in the groin, shouting, “WE ANSWER TO THE FDA. I HAVE TO INFORM OSAKA.” So Sarah tries to break Suzuki’s neck with her hands. WITH HER HANDS. Then Sarah starts chasing Suzuki throught the facility, past vampire sex chambers and light experiments and Suzuki is screaming in Japanese and the two reach the men’s prison wing and they’re running in circles as the hungry vamps watch and Suzuki starts tottering on her high heels as she crosses the grated flooring and then her heel gets stuck and Sarah pounces on her and bashes her face repeatedly against the ground and a vampire jumps up to get the dripping smash-faced blood and Sarah takes the heel and starts hitting Suzuki with it and the vampire sucks her blood through the grating and now there’s blood all over her pristine white power suit and her oversized American flag pin and the high heel is stuck in Suzuki’s head and Sarah starts crying in joy and looks up and says, “Thank you, Jesus.” To which I say, DITTO.
OK, deep breathes.
After last week’s funereal bender, Arlene is recovering from her PBR hangover with the help (and bacon) of Andy, Holly, and Lafayette. Lafayette has forgiven Arlene for her Stage-2 anger, Andy is parenting by way of denying his remaining fairy daughter coffee, and Arlene finally learns that Terry planned his death and left $2 million in life insurance. When Adeline the quad listens in on Arlene’s anxious, upset thoughts, however, the twice-widowed redhead freaks out and scares the coffee-less fairy away. Later that night, Adeline sneaks out of the house with two boys, a bottle of whiskey and the plot of a Carrie Underwood song.
In the meantime, Arlene, Terry, and Mama and Sister Belfleur have now in a rejected scene from Six Feet Under. The Mötley Crüe are arguing over Terry’s service. Mama wants the 21-gun salute; Arlene does not. Mama is levelheaded; Arlene pulls a Steel Magnolias and flips the Sally Field out. She’s upset that Terry’s family is not acknowledging the reality of the situation. In the end, Arlene only agrees to continue planning the burial with the Belfleurs if they can have happy carnations and the reverend from the black church. This whole storyline is depressingly realistic when bookended by vampire hepatitis and werewolf fight clubs.
Speaking of…in Alcide and Sam’s world, Alcide’s wolf pack is still up in arms about their leader protecting Nicole and her mom and I’m still mad we’re spending time on any of this when we could be in Fangtanamo with my beloved Sarah Newlin. Nikki, Alcide’s ever testy former wolf-slampiece, challenges him for pack leadership. Instead of fighting as wolves (special effects are reserved for important events like fairygasms), Alcide and Nikki push each other against poles for a while until he up and runs off with the Wrights. Time to get that PACKLYFE tattoo removed, buddy. Alcide brings the two damsels in distress (and in need of characterization) to Merlotte’s where Sam is cleaning out Terry’s (RIP) belongings (RIP). Sam puts Nicole and her mom to bed at his place, oddly sniffing Nicole’s hair in their goodnight embrace. Back at the bar, Sam and Alcide go shot for shot and ruminate on the uncertainties of life because I guess they’re friends now. As the dog boys think on it and drink on it, it turns out Alcide also smelled something on Nicole. WHY? Because the writers know the oldest trick in the TV book for making a character more sympathetic: knock her up! That’s right, the next day as Sam and Nicole profess their love to each other faster than Drew from The Bachelorette can accuse Ben of coming on the show for the wrong reasons, Sookie runs into Sam’s arms in her game of Supernatural Man Pokemon and Sam tells Sookie his incredibly young activist girlfriend is pregnant. That was the scent. Not Wonderstruck by Taylor Swift.
To contemplate her decision in the most dramatic way possible, Sookie heads to the Stackhouse family plot in the graveyard and starts going off on her “dead but not gone” family. All her memories of them are now tinged with pain and murder. She’s realized death “ain’t the end anymore, it’s just a fucking pitsop on a road with no end in sight.” She has no choice but to become the one thing her parents died (and would have killed) to prevent: a fairy vampire princess. She returns home, leaves a voice mail for Jason (asking where Niall is which is so 4 episodes ago) and then calls Bill. It’s time.
Cut to Adeline going to second in the woods with her whiskey teen boy. But then Eric shows up because obviously he wants sum dat fairy bluuuhd. He glamours the boys to forget him and Adeline and her boobs and then digs in.
Sookie is dressing for Terry’s funeral tomorrow. AND HER OWN (KUDOS, TRUE BLOOD SYMBOLISM DEPARTMENT).
Violet, Pam, Tara, Willa, and Jessica are found out for refusing to drink the Tru Blood and led to the room James and Steve are in. As they look up, the audience at home gasps and screams, THE WHITE ROOM, THIS IS IT. OH NO.
Andy finds Adeline running down a country road, neck bleeding. But where’s Eric?
Sookie and Bill finally enter Fairy Dream Land. It’s time to get Warlow’s blood. But wait, he’s already been drained. Dun dun DUN! ERIC!
TO THE WHITE ROOM!