Well, that was a trainwreck…True Blood’s sixth season finale is downright terrible and no amount of unnecessary six-month time jumps, fairy vampire maypoles, or full frontal nudity can save it. And this season was doing so well, what with my beloved Sarah Newlin and the zany antics of Fangtanamo… But no, True Blood had to go and screw the were-pooch, leaving us with the most anticlimactic 51 minutes I’ve spent since watching the finale of Big Brother UK yesterday (WE ALL KNEW SAM THE DEAF WELSHMAN WAS GOING TO WIN, DIDN’T WE, AMERICA?!?!).
Let’s just get this over with.
Sookie is thinking deeply about life and death as Terry gets buried and for some reason, Alcide, very large and homeless-looking, is there consoling her. Sookie still doesn’t know where Jason is but she knows he’s a survivor; he’ll get by. Just as Alcide tries to say something deep and meaningful and magic (Mike), the crazy-fairy-drug-blood-hippie-daylight-vampires walk out of the forest stripping, doing cartwheels and having sex on the ground. Typical Louisianan wake behavior. Alcide wants to protect Sookie from them but, she says, “I’m a survivor too!” and I start singing Destiny’s Child over the CREDITS.
To kill some time, True Blood next presents us with a jazz music montage of orgiastic croquet, topless Charlestons, clothes-burning, and amateur volleyball. Jason and Violet are still a thing (and also competing with every other plotline for most useless plotline). Jason finally wants to have sex with his Medieval Catholic mistress but she gets off on being withholding. Sookie and Jason finally reunite. Violet greets Sookie with a deep open-mouth kiss because she’s “European.” And before we can wonder why a 800-year old Spanish vampire is named Violet, Tara and Pam, still high, hug Sookie and Bill grumpily goes inside to change his artfully bloodied Jesus-white clothes. After a quick “Target run,” the high vamps are all outfitted in fun Isaac Mizahri summer pastels and recreate the volleyball scene from Top Gun. Except instead of Maverick and Iceman squaring off, Violet spikes a ball at Jessica out of jealousy and I don’t care. Off to the side, Tara tries to cheer Pam up about Eric leaving but, like me, Pam doesn’t care and SUPERMANS off to find Eric.
Back in Fairy Dream Land (where the True Blood writers are drunk), Sookie finds Warlow making a really tacky vampire fairy wedding maypole (not to be confused with really tacky Vietnamese wedding maypole). Apparently in fey culture, Virginia is for lovers but maypoles are for soulmates. Sookie and Warlow are supposed to wrap themselves up in the maypole vines and then use their soulmate fairy light to cleave Warlow’s gold loop necklace into rings. Perhaps because of this flat-out stupid ceremony or perhaps because she doesn’t want to be an eternal fairy vampire princess, Sookie is getting cold feet. “Can’t we just date and not abandon my life and friends forever?” she says. No, says Warlow’s hand as he slaps her in the face. BAD WARLOW, BAD. He then proceeds to entrap Sookie in the vines and shout at her about how royal and ready to marry he is. Despite the fact that it would have made this episode exponentially more enjoyable, Sookie does not use her one remaining chi ball to vanquish Warlow and complete a season-long emotional journey. #dangerwhore
At this point in my notes, I was so bored that I just wrote: “People are wearing a lot of purple in this episode. Breaking Bad joke? No.”
At the daylight vampire orgy, Bill is wearing black and moping about in his house. He’s lost so much blood he can’t even move things with his mind anymore! Bye bye, Lillith, hello depression you get after forcing your former lover to sacrifice herself to an evil vampire fairy who killed her parents. Jessica comes in to remind Bill of his humanity – you do care, Bill! – and convince him to mount a Save Sookie campaign with the help of Jason and Violet. Bill also mindwipes Takahashi the Tru Blood creator and leaves him with a bag of cash and some mistranslated Japanese lines.
The Save Sookie Brigade heads to Andy’s because they need a fairy to get them into Fairy Dream Land (VIP) and Adeline the quad’s the only one they know. Andy won’t let Violet in, however, because he doesn’t trust vamps after Jessica sucked three of his daughters drier than a stereotypical British person’s sense of humour (sp). Jason launches into this whole “heartfelt” speech about his own sister and survivor guilt and fairy pride and Adeline is swayed because she’s literally 10 days old. So the Save Sookie Brigade is now comprised of Bill, Bill’s Humanity, Jason, Violet, Andy, Adeline, and an assault rifle. It’s time to take down Mr. Maypole.
In Fairy Dream Land, Andy shoots Warlow and the two vampires fight. Blah blah blah, Bill impales Warlow on something. Blah blah. Jason escapes with Sookie and Adeline. Blah. Warlow flies off.
At this point in my notes, I wrote: “Make a joke about low stakes.”
As the humans/fairies hide in Sookie’s house, Warlow zaps Andy and Violet and walks right in faster than you can say, “SERIOUSLY? WHY DID YOU GO TO THE ONE HOUSE THE EVIL FAIRY VAMPIRE HAS ALREADY BEEN INVITED INTO?” Warlow quickly zaps Bill, glamours Jason and throws Andy and Jason in the cellar with Adeline. The Save Sookie Brigade is more useless than the second half of this episode (just you wait). Warlow finds Sookie upstairs trying to make her chi ball which she once again DOES NOT USE. Instead, Adeline fairy-lights the cellar people to freedom, they run up and grab Warlow, NIALL comes LITERALLY OUT OF NOWHERE (well, ok, not nowhere, a hidden plane of existence) and also grabs Warlow and Sookie STILL DOES NOT CHI BALL HIM…Jason just stakes him and he turns into shiny bloody goo and he’s gone…that was easy…
But wait, with Warlow’s death, the fairy blood vamps start to shine. Are their powers wearing off?
Abruptly cut to A GLACIER IN SWEDEN WHERE ERIC IS READING A BOOK NAKED AND THEN BURSTS INTO FLAME BUT NOT BEFORE HE CAN SHOW OFF HIS PENIS FOR THE HIGH ART THAT IS TRUE BLOOD.
Even more abruptly cut to SIX MONTHS LATER where Bill is being interviewed on TV about a BOOK HE WROTE called AND GOD BLED: A STORY OF DEATH AND REDEMPTION the cover of which is him IN FULL CIVIL WAR GARB. Note that there is no Oprah’s Book Club sticker. “I was a god, “ says Bill as nonchalantly as Miley saying the goat in the “Can’t Stop” music video is a metaphor for her fans. Bill even confesses to ripping the Governor’s head off and artfully placing it on the foot of a statue. I guess the world got pro-vampire (or at least anti-anti-vampire) really fast in the last 6 months.
At home, Sookie is watching with Alcide because, ugh, they are together now. All it takes to woo Sookie is some funereal consoling and not forcing her to be your eternal fairy vampire princess, I guess.
At another home, Jason is in cunnilingus jail. He’s been going to town on Violet’s downtown area for 178 days now and she still won’t even unzip his jeans. Is this true love? Feminism? Neither? Only Alan Ball knows!
At church, all of the show’s main characters are gathering because this is the finale. Sam and Andy are trying to make some thematic point about church and state to which I say, too little, too late, True Blood. Humans are being tested for Hep V in the lobby. Tara’s mom has married The Black Preacher who is extolling the need to stick together as humans and fend off vamps. Nicole is pregnant with a new boring baby character. Baby daddy Sam is MAYOR and tells the town that he and Blood Money Arlene are holding a mixer tonight at Belfeur’s (HE SOLD HIS RESTAURANT AND NAMED IT AFTER A DEAD FRY COOK). At the mixer, uninfected humans can meet and mingle with vampires. They can then pair up in healthy, monogamous feeding relationships in which the human feeds the vampire and the vampire protects the human (sounds like my first marriage…). The two “races” need each other to survive in this post-Hep-V world and Sam is leading the united effort.
At this point in my notes, I wrote: nothing.
At the mixer, there’s a roasted alligator and perfect James is singing. Sookie and Alcide find out that they tested negative for Hep V. Tara and Willa are looking for human dates because they both want more lines. Tara lucks out when her mom comes up and breaks their several-season-long silence. Lettie Mae is so, so terribly (Tara-bly) sorry about everything she’s put Tara through and how she treated her after she was turned. At first, Tara isn’t convinced even though her mom is wearing the worst outfit since Oprah’s disco pantsuit in Lee Daniels’ The Butler. However, when her mother says she wants to feed Tara herself to make things right, Tara gives in, hugs her mom, and then starts drinking her. The ultimate Grey Gardens, I suppose.
At Andy’s, the ex-cop and his quad are watching some show about child pageants (not Toddlers & Tiaras, I would know if it were Toddlers & Tiaras) when Jessica shows up and tries to make amends for MURDERING HIS THREE CHILDREN. She just wants to protect them. Andy slams the door on her because triple homicide is harder to get over than mommy issues.
As they leave, Sookie and Alcide run into Bill. Bill wants to be the vampire protector in Sookie’s life. Sookie says Alcide is all the protector she needs. I’m glad she’s back to being a weak, defenseless plaything that the men in her life fight over to protect and use sexually! Bill calls Alcide “Bright eyes” and tells him to turn around. Then, in the middle of all this silly fighting, Bill and Alcide smell something even sillier: a herd of infected vamps is zombie-hobbling over to the mixer. BLACKOUT.
Ugh. So much for True Blood being anything other than that crazy person you knew in college who you trick yourself into thinking might be less crazy now…
Issues this finale raised:
Is Sookie ever going to use her godforsaken chi ball?
Why did we just jump six months?
What does any of this mean?
Where is Niall?
Where is Sarah Newlin?
Where is Pam?
Is Eric really dead?
Oh my god, Lafayette played Martin Luther King, Jr. for 6 seconds in Lee Daniels’ The Butler.
Issues this finale resolved:
What does Eric’s penis look like?
Is True Blood a terrible show?
How recently did I watch Lee Daniels’ The Butler?
‘Til next year, my poor, poor fellow True Blood fans…