Sunday night, the womyn of Tube Top got together to watch The Emmys and make each other lol. We also solicited input from ladies all over the internet as they couldn’t tear their eyes away from the 3 hour trainwreck that was the Small Screen’s Big Night.
Now, having smeared pizza grease all over our keyboards, martini sauce throughout our brainz, and less consistent reactions than we had planned for, we present for your entertainment our recap of the 2013 Emmy Awards – The Ladies React!
Is NPH channeling Marnie right now or what?
Past Emmy hosts make fun of NPH. Teach all viewers how to get as many stars on stage as possible without any writing.
Then the awards began, and we all decided it was ok to comment on lady celebs’ outfits. Because they’re celebrities. So that’s what they get.
SUPPORTING ACTRESS IN A COMEDY – Merritt Wever, Nurse Jackie
+ Thank god Tina Fey and Amy Poehler are here. Guess we should keep watching (BOY, DID WE NOT EVEN KNOW WHAT WE WERE IN FOR).
+ Did Merritt Wever get her dress at Ann Taylor? And her hoop earrings from Wet Seal next door? She wins for best acceptance speech ever.
COMEDY SHOW WRITING – Tina Fey and Tracy Wigfield, 30 Rock
+ Love to see Tina Fey unleashing her inner betch.
+ Is Hollywood getting even more progressive? When Tina Fey thanked her writing “partner” they immediately panned to her husband.
SUPPORTING COMEDY ACTOR – Tony Hale, VEEP
+ We were going to make fun of Zooey D because she looks like a present, but she REALLY DOES look like she’s been crying. Puffy, red eyes? Runny make-up? What happened, Zooey, belated sadness about zero nominations?
+ So, Tony Hale wins for VEEP… we all nod begrudgingly.
+ This is Buster’s least sincere speech ever. He would like to thank the seal who ate my hand…
LEAD ACTRESS COMEDY – Julia Louis Dreyfus, VEEP
+ The importance of all of these nominees just pale in comparison to Jon Hamm’s beard and hair situation.
+ Little bits like the one Tony Hale and JLD pulled used to be really delightful. Is there any sincerity in this awards show (besides, like, Claire Danes, and COME ON) anymore?
Right around the GUEST ACTOR/ACTRESS COMEDY thing, we got a little confused/tuned out because the Emmys were sub-par this year, and started missing some stuff… So yes, just be warned accuracy and wholeness mayyyy be lacking from here on out.
DIRECTOR, COMEDY – Gail Mancuso, Modern Family
+ “Modern Family? That’s not hard to direct!” – The Tube Top Gallery
LEAD ACTOR COMEDY – Jim Parsons, The Big Bang Theory
+ The most important thing about this intro is Jimmy Kimmel trying so hard not to look at SV’s glorious glorious breasts. The BEST part about this intro is SV’s attempt to pronounce The Big Bang Theory.
+ Sorry Matt LeBlanc, you just don’t have a prayer here.
+ “I gave myself 3 olives in this martini, because Jim Parsons just won over all those other better comedians, so i deserve it.” – @offtothegraces + her infinite wisdom.
BEST PART OF THE AWARDS SHOW = BACKSTAGE MOMENTS WITH MA BOY SHEMAR MOORE! LOVE, PEACE, & SOULLLLLLLLL
ELTON JOHN SONG
+ Time to call and see where the pizza is. Wait a sec, this isn’t Rocket Man?! OR TINY DANCER!
WRITING DRAMA – Henry Bromell, Homeland
+ Yes, we all want Mrs. Taylor WHOOPS I MEAN Connie Britton to be our mothers.
+ Oh, Homeland won? Should I FaceTime my newest/fave terrorist from a high-security locaysh and let him know?
*Due to the overwhelming number of things we NEED to cover on TV this week, we feel that mentioning homeland, albeit briefly, means we covered it today. #HomelandWeek
SUPPORTING ACTRESS DRAMA – Anna Gunn, Breaking Bad
+ Anna Gunn is dressed like she came to win and I love it. It’s a take no prisoners dress, and she wears it like a champ. Sincere congratulations, Anna. You deserve it.
CORY MONTEITH TRIBUTE: In which we debate the origin of Jane Lynch’s necklace. “It’s pretty ’80s lesbian and also too cute for her.”
DANCE NUMBER: In which it is unclear whether Sarah Silverman is struggling more with dancing, wearing heels, or being touched.
REALITY COMPETITION/awkward broken teleprompter moment – who cares about this award but ok fine it was The Voice
+ Mindy Kaling displays she has enough of a brain for both herself and Stephen Amell!
SUPPORTING ACTOR DRAMA – Bobby Canavale, Boardwalk Empire
+ What is that dress, Kerry Washington? A fairy threw up on you. Not Sookie Stackhouse, not in a cute way. Also, you look like you need a martini.
+ WAIT A SEC: Bobby Canavale is with Rose Burn? Get me in that bed!
LEAD ACTOR, DRAMA – Jeff Daniels, The Newsroom
Between two nominees…
Jeff Daniels… “NO NO NO NO NO NO.” – Grace (*adds a fourth olive to her martini*) and Bryan Cranston.
WEIRD 1963 TRIBUTE
*Are they playing Don Cheadle off of his JFK/TV tribute right now? Are we commemorating JFK’s death or commemorating TV’s coming of age? #Confused*
Carrie Underwood sings and we all depart to make more drinks. Also, she vajazzled her microphone.
+ Well, Emilia Clarke is one of three well-dressed women at this award show, so we kind of forgot who won this…
DRAMA DIRECTOR – David Fincher, House of Cards
+ David Fincher could not be here so Arlene will be accepting the Emmy on his behalf.
VARIETY SHOW RITING (<– proof of vodka-olive consumption) – Colbert Report
+ In which Oprah meets her writers for the first time, and we all want to marry Stephen Colbert even more now. #BreakingTheJonStewartStreak
Despite the really obvi weave, it’s unsurprising that Allison Janney looks a million times better than Anna Farris. Again, we forgot who won.
ACTOR MINISERIES – Michael Douglas, Behind the Candelabra
+ Thank God for Michael Douglas’s gay jokes. It made the whole evening worth it. Here he is in the really weird movie he won for.
OUTSTANDING MINISERIES/TV MooVIE – Behind the Candelabra
+ In which Grace and Dana wax poetic about Top of The Lake, but Behind the Candelabra wins even though it was creepy as fuck. But seriously Top of The Lake is awesome. Just ask Andy Greenwald.
OUTSTANDING COMEDY – Modern Family
+ Modern Family wins: cue collective eye roll + we all know that this is just because of Sofia Vergara’s boobies, right? And Sarah Hyland’s orange boobs/situation for runner up. You don’t even get a .gif, MoFas.
OUTSTANDING DRAMA – Breaking Bad
+ Throw the collective confetti, hands up, there is justice in the world!
+ We love you, Vince Gilligan, and we understand that this grammar fuck up just happened because you were so stoked: “It could have been any of the shows in this golden age of television, of which we are so glad to be a part of.”
+ Also, we love you, and we can’t wait for Cranston to snag his BEST ACTOR Emmy for his final performance. Counting down to Sunday…
We are really looking forward to The Golden Globes, and sincerely hoping for Tina & Amy’s return. Sorry NPH, you’re just better at Broadway.