Let’s face it– I’m a very important person. My free time is precious, and I can’t be bothered to watch every critically-acclaimed award-winning television series that makes it to air. So when I was invited to recap the series for new viewers during Homeland Week (having never seen a minute of the show myself), I did what I do best: I watched one episode, Season 2 Episode 9, and filled the rest in using educated guesses. I’m pretty sure most of my ideas about the show are spot-on!
Showtime’s original series HOMELAND follows a special team of CIA agents as they combat the threat of terrorism on American soil. They’ve been culled from the country’s ‘best of the best’ and assembled into a crack squad that uses wacky and unconventional methods to hunt down those who would seek to harm our nation, under the name of whatever non-Jesus god they are down with at the moment, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.
CARRIE MONAGHAN – Played by Claire Danes
We learn a lot about Carrie before we even get through the opening credits. Carrie grew up watching Fox News and has always been fascinated with our country’s knee-jerk responses to terrorist attacks. Her emotionless and coldly rational attitude towards death made her a perfect homicide investigator for the Metropolitan PD. After she solved twenty thousand murder cases before reaching the age of 25, she was recruited by the CIA and as a spokesperson for Latisse.
BRODY BUNCH – Played by the guy who won the Emmy (last year, not this year, SORKIN FTW, even if the girls disagree with me.)
In this episode, Brody bids farewell to his new terrorist buddy, Nazir, and basically sets up the Vice President to get his head cut off. You see, Brody is a feeble-minded politician who is always falling victim to the next terrorist’s trap. He requires constant supervision because he is an instinctual turncoat with a mind soft as goat cheese. His family hates him; his wife has slept with most of his relatives and his daughter sticks pins in a voodoo doll in an effort to cause him back pain.
SAUL MONTOYA – Played by Inigo Patinkin
Saul’s father was a gunmaker who was approached by Osama Bin Laden to build the perfect gun. He slaved a year before it was done. Osama returned and demanded it, but at one tenth his promised price, and his father refused. Without a word, Osama shot him through the heart. Saul loved his father. So naturally, he challenged his murderer to a duel. He failed. Osama left him alive, but he told him that he better grow a damn good beard. Saul dedicated his life to the study of counter-terrorism. Then Osama got shot by someone else. It was a pretty big letdown.
KEVIN AND IRA – played by two nerds wearing bluetooth headsets
Kevin and Ira (probably their names) are the two most dangerous cyberhackers in all of cyberspace. Both former cyberterrorists, they use their cyber-savvy to hack into terrorists’ networks to expose their gross internet porn preferences. They also work for Saul keeping an eye on Quinn, because he is known to run around the city impregnating lady-cops.
QUINN WEASELSNIFFER – played by that guy who looks like Orlando Bloom
When he’s not being a colossal asshole to everyone, Quinn enjoys lying to the CIA and reading Dickens. Before joining our elite CIA team, Quinn was a sort of sneaky spy James Bond type– just without the charisma or the birth control. That is to say, he has a bastard son by a Philadelphia cop.
ABU NAZIR – played by a guy who has played a terrorist more than once.
Abu Nazir is the bad guy, I’m sure of it. Or is he?
TO FIND OUT, I GUESS YOU’LL HAVE TO TUNE INTO HOMELAND SEASON 3!
Or Season 1, or the rest of Season 2. It’s entirely likely that it’s revealed somewhere in there.
Follow Dan Millstein on twitter @dmillstein for more nonsense.