Oscars – definition: An annual dress-up competition and the ultimate celebration of Hollywood’s self-love signaling the end of awards season (thank God), in which old white men cut together reels of other old white men of movie-days past and celebrate them as “heroes,” then hire a progressive LGBT advocate to put on a tux and make jokes and take selfies paid for by Samsung to honor movies about underprivileged minorities and their struggles before presenting them with gold statues of – you guessed it! – old white men and patting themselves on the back for another year of under-the-radar sexism and great ratings (43 million viewers).
As a TV enthusiast a who only saw 3/8 best picture nominees this year, my main draw to the Oscars was… well, everyone else was watching and I wanted to be able to get the jokes on Twitter. Also, Angelina’s amaze new boobs, and the dresses. And, in retrospect, J. Law eating pizza.
The show was mostly boring, very heavy-handed about the importance of movies/male heroes in an increasingly TV-dominated world, typically predictable, but pleasantly sprinkled with highlights. Twitter, on the other hand, was amaze.
A few other highlights – both on and off the internet:
Ellen announces that 12 Years A Slave must win best picture or everyone’s a racist. Ellen’s prediction comes true. Lupita Nyong’o’s skin in that fairy dress shines more radiantly than a rainbow after a welcome storm. Lupita Nyong’o also takes home an Old Gold White Man Statue for her performance in 12 Years A Slave, and she closes her acceptance speech with one of the more inspirational quotes of the night: “When I look down at this statue, may it remind me every little child that no matter where you’re from, your dreams are valid.” And then this:
I love her.
In the “Well, it’s an honor just to be nominated” category, a quick recap of the night’s losers: Wolf of Wall Street (and a very sensitive/offended Leo DiCaprio) lost its five nominations in an attempt to discourage Scorcese from making any more of his movies 1.5 hours too long. Other Almost Famous-es included Nebraska (didn’t see, heard was great though!), Captain Phillips (room to make a “Tom Hanks came extremely loud and incredibly close” joke here? No? Ok.), and a near-record breaking, 0 for 10, American Hustle, which wasn’t as good as Silver Linings Playbook and isn’t J. Law enough of an It Girl without another Oscar? I don’t feel particularly bad for any of these people for not winning, although I do sympathize with having to sit through the Oscars, trying to learn the difference between sound mixing and sound editing/not check their phones on camera.
Out of all the aforementioned nominees, Leo was def the most upset. Clearly having to share a hug with Mr. Matthew “Career Transformation of The Decade” McConaughey did not make him feel very Hashtag Oscars Hashtag Blessed.
It’s all right all right all right, Leo! You could be Jim Carrey, who was merely a presenter, making bitter jokes about not being nominated shortly after my mother asked “What exactly is up with the decision to totally bring Jim Carrey out of like, complete obscurity? And in a navy tux?”
I digress, back to the highlights. On the performance front, Pharrell performed “Happy” with a slew of his friend’s children (I see you, Jamie Foxx’s daughter) and Idina Menzel LET IT GO (haha?) that John Travolta can’t pronounce her name. It’s cool, he peaked after Grease and she has the voice of an angel.
Then there were a couple of those classic, misogynistically inclined “Yeah, Breaking Bad was cool but, here’s 88 years of incredible movie history, featuring Will Smith clapping for a clip of himself in his only good movie!” hero montages, Emma Watson and JGL as the cutest non-couple ever, Gravity winning 8 awards (okay, so I went home and watched Gravity after my Sunday-night Girls –> Looking –> True Detective binge, and I may or may not be writing this post on very few hours of sleep), and Liza Minelli being left out of the Token Popular Kids’ selfie.
If that photo doesn’t give you serious #FOMO you are probably not a pop-culturally literate human. And finally, one last thing: