It’s the second installment of Dan’s Favs, and today we recognize the loud and proud denizens of the People’s Republic of Doucheville. As defined by the Oxford English Dictionary (yes, it’s in there), a douchebag is “an obnoxious or contemptible person, typically a man.” I considered both male and female douchebags for this piece, as YouTube is rife with both types (and plenty of types in between). Here are some videos that earned Favs for their exceptional depiction of the worst people in the world.
WHOAHHHH!!! – ORIGINAL CLIP
Uploader – mfdjais, 9/15/08 Views – 1,222,493
The term ‘guido’ was popularized by MTV’s Jersey Shore in 2009, exposing a tragically ignorant public to the premier douchebag subculture of the United States. But a few years before that, in 2007, I saw a video entitled My New Haircut. I could tell that the one-man sketch by Brett Tietjen was mocking somebody, but the stereotype was totally foreign to me. Then, when ‘WHOAHHHHH!’ rose to visibility, it was no longer deniable that these people actually existed. Guys who wore tight tank tops, flashed heavily-juiced biceps, and screamed mindlessly, all to the lilting melodies of fist-pumping house beats. It could be said that once ‘guido’ was televised, shrink-wrapped, and bobbleheaded, that the true spirit of the Jersey shore changed forever. But it lives on in WHOAHHHH. I wonder if they ever got to D’Jais.
X Factor 4, ep 2, Rachel (itv.com/xfactor)
Uploader – The X Factor UK, 8/25/07 Views – 2,877,522
The X Factor didn’t do well in the US. Only three seasons in, creator Simon Cowell packed up his bags and headed back across the pond to rejoin the juggernaut UK version. There’s just something about how the Brits do cruelty that’s easily earned Simon 10 seasons of kicking around the common folk for our amusement. This particular candidate was so abysmal that she even earned a reprise in a Worst Of episode of The Xtra Factor, a companion show. Is she a bad singer? Yeah. But she also exhibits utter contempt for the judges, the competition, and the world in general. This alone would earn her a spot in the Grab Bag, but as a bonus, she resembles an oily turtle that’s been sucked through a vacuum cleaner! And she’s even done her own cassette and ev’ryfing. Make sure you stay for Dannii Minogue hyperventilating at 2:15!
Whitest Kids U’ Know: Abe Lincoln
Uploader – spparr24, 6/6/07 Views – 9,850,961
Is this sketch from the pilot episode of Whitest Kids U’ Know racist? So we’ve got Abraham Lincoln, the president who issued the Emancipation Proclamation, portrayed as the archetypal movie theater loudmouth. Except instead of a movie theater, it’s Ford’s Theater, and the concerned patron who confronts Lincoln is John Wilkes Booth. And Lincoln prods Booth with such phrases as “Now ya f*cked up. Now ya f*cked up. Now ya f*cked up.”
Well, racist or not, it’s one of their best. And if you ever get to see them perform live, I guarantee they will include it in the lineup. Also, you can see every sketch from all five seasons on YouTube, so go nuts.
Al Roker Ripps Heidi & Spencer To Pieces on The Today Show
Uploader – micwawaw, 6/15/09 Views – 1,132,201
Everyone hated Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt in 2009. How could you not? They were the worst in every possible way. Color me ignorant about faux-reality dramas, but at least the Kardashians only seem to be assholes to each other. Heidi and Spencer were smug assholes to EVERYONE. David Letterman. Whoopi Goldberg. Star Jones. In this Fav, watch them smug up to Al freakin’ Roker. You don’t ask America to choose between you and Al Roker. Roker always wins. And while they may have continued to collect $100k checks for every nightclub appearance for a short while, they inevitably did exactly what Whoopi predicted and spent themselves straight to the poor house. After moving into Spencer’s MOM’S HOUSE (Step 1. make millions of dollars Step 2. ??? Step 3. move back in with mom), they recently did a press tour to promote E!’s special Heidi and Spencer: After Shock, which reveals a number of schadenfreudingly satisfying truths about how these two douches got what was coming to them. I mean, it’s Al Roker, guys.
Uploader – edmirror1, 3/27/10 Views – 465,284
In honor of St. Patrick’s Day, I give you a drunk sweaty man screaming for a Whataburger and a friendly bystander who is more than happy to serve up a steaming hot justice patty. Cheeseburger Josh – may he one day find a belt.
Do you have any YouTube Favs that I may have missed? Comment below and you might get a mention in an upcoming column.
Watch for more installments of Dan’s Favs here on Tube Top Television. And follow @dmillstein if you dare.