As everyone who doesn’t live under a rock knows, COSMOS premiered three weeks ago on all the FOX networks. Executive produced by Seth MacFarlance and hosted by Neil DeGrasse Tyson, Cosmos is a reboot of the 1980 PBS series hosted by Carl Sagan. It’s about science + history + how the earth/humans/living things came to be. Cosmos calls itself “the saga of how we discovered the laws of nature and found our coordinates in space and time.” It claims to be chock full o’ facts, albeit lightly seasoned with a dash of animated atheism, but I beg to differ. Here are some of the bones I have to pick with these supposed “truths.”
1) Neil DeGrasse Tyson’s Mustache
2) Neil DeGrasse Tyson standing ON THE EDGE OF SPACE without a space suit.
Way too dangerous. I mean, look at what happened to Sandra Bullock out there! And she was wearing protection! The Oort Cloud is no place for Armani.
3) “Where do all the comets come from? Science gave John Oort the gift of prophecy…” WRONG NO FALSE ONLY THE ORACLE OF DELPHI AND MUHAMMAD AND BRAN STARK HAVE EVER HAD THE GIFT OF PROPHECY.
Everyone knows that God created the earth as a botanical paradise for Eve The Original Woman Made From The Rib of The Original Man, then decided to give it weather as punishment when she stole the apples he was planning to eat for a snack. Also, God is vindictive and was having a manic episode at the time. Please forgive his extreme reactions. More importantly, Eve has a show on HBO now and The Big Bang Theory was a TV show way before Seth MacFarlance got into PBS reboots, so everybody just cut the crap with this exploding rocks collision nonsense, ok? Ok.
5) “It takes one comet about a million years to complete a trip around the sun.”
6) In episode 3 – “When Knowledge Conquered Fear,” NDGT claims that Robert Hooke ostensibly “experimented… with cannabis! He reported to a meeting with the royal society that a sea captain friend of his “had so often experimented with it, that there is no cause of fear, though possibly, there may be, of laughter.”
7) “Matter obeyed commandments we could discover, laws the Bible hadn’t mentioned. Newton’s answer to why the solar system is the way it is, opened the way to an infinite number of questions. Principia also happened to include the invention of calculus and the first sound theoretical basis for an end to our imprisonment on earth. Space time.”
Well, I don’t have infinite questions. I only have three questions.
First: What is the answer to life, the universe, and everything. Answer: 42. Done.
Second: What is calculus? Answer: Hard math. Done.
Last: Does Gwyneth need a new assistant now that she’s single and juggling so many things? Answer: TBD. She has asked for privacy and respect during this time. (GP, if you are reading, get at me. I’m here for you, girl.)
8) Speaking of calculus, let’s discuss Isaac Newton for a moment.
Human or alien? Supergenius? Or casual but pathological liar? Because if a dude walked up to me and was like “Yo. So i was trying to figure this gravity shit out, and in the meantime I invented this new math you might dig. It’s called calculus. Have you ever wondered how curves work?” I’d be like “yes, in fact I have. So far the best answer I’ve come up with is Calories In Calories Out + Tracy Anderson home videos twice a week = maximum success.” Then when he explained the math part I would probably call him a liar.
9) Plugging your ears can’t save you from the wrath of comets.
10) And finally: “The Cosmos is all that is, ever was, or ever will be.” JK. Cosmos is a made up word that doesn’t mean anything, and all of these grandiose generalizations are becoming too much for my selfish brain to handle.
Sorry, Science. I just don’t believe you.
*For those of you looking to catch more shoddy science like this, tune into COSMOS at 9/8c on FOX.*