We set the initial scene with a closeup of dead Joffrey’s face, which is a nice visual treat to set the tone for the episode. Everyone is shouting, Cersei wants to know where everyone is, and she wants them to go to prison. Meanwhile Sir Dontos the drunk leads Sansa, at length, to a tiny boat and the two of them escape in it even while the entire city is looking for her. This begs the question—why didn’t she just do that earlier? Have there been no tiny boats for the duration of her stay in King’s Landing? Dontos takes Sansa to a foggy mystery boat where she’s reunited with Baelish, the man who maybe wants to have sex with her because he liked her mother…? Baelish continues to talk with a weird lilt and make lingering, sexually charged looks at Sansa, while she, as always, stares off into the distance contemplating her misfortune. Goddamnit if I don’t want to see Sansa do anything interesting ever. Baelish reveals that Dontos has been working under his orders for the past couple of episodes and then totally fucking kills him with a spear, just to be safe and secure.
We then see a brief scene with Margaery and Grandma Tyrell which left me with two questions: how can one old woman be so sassy and ADDITIONALLY why isn’t Margaery still the queen? Did I miss something?
Cut to dead Joffrey, who now has cartoonish painted on eye-rocks over his actual eyes, because that’s the only thing more horrifying than his actual dead eyes. Tywin lectures the littlest Lannister whose name I will probably never bother to learn about kingliness over Joffrey’s corpse, and they decide together through the Socratic method that wisdom is what makes a good king. Cersei is not amused by any of it. Making sure not to skimp on talking shit about Joffrey, Tywin essentially tells Baby Lannister to do whatever he’s told, forever. They exit talking about the birds and the bees weirdly.
Left alone together, Cersei asks Jaime to kill Tyrion because she “just knows” he killed Joffrey, and because she’s a blood thirsty mama bear megabitch, which I don’t necessarily mean as an insult. They start to make out over Joffrey’s rock-eyed corpse, because duh, and then Cersei decides she’s not into it, perhaps because of the aforementioned rock-eyed corpse boy. Then, in a move that was surprising and disturbing even for George “Graphic Violence” R. “Tits and Wine” R. Martin, Jaime RAPES HIS OWN SISTER DIRECTLY NEXT TO THE CORPSE OF THEIR SON, IN A CHURCH. End scene.
And then because we all need to relieve all that tension—Arya and the Hound!!!! Bein’ sassy, shootin’ snot rockets, and conspicuously discussing Bravos. The multifaceted young murder machine that she’s turning out to be, Arya lies her face off to a farmer and secures a barn to sleep in for the night and some tasty rabbit stew. Way to go, childlike trickery. After being super grouchy and rude to everyone, partaking of the farmer’s hospitality, and agreeing to be a paid bodyguard/farmhand indefinitely (hilarious sitcom idea), the Hound punches out and robs the farmer and tells Arya that he was a weak man who will be dead by winter and therefor doesn’t need the money Houndy just took out of his frightened, punched-out hands. Arya calls him the worst shit in the seven kingdoms, and as though on cue (on an actual, literal cue), we shoot over to Castle Black.
…Where people are bullying Sam Tully. No one believes he killed a white walker, because he’s tubby. Gilly gets a bit coquettish with Tubs, and he is nothing but a sweet lil’ love muffin to her in return. He tells Gilly she’s not safe at Castle Black, and in return, she thinks he’s telling her to go away forever because female love objects are always blind and oblivious in television shows.
In Dragonstone, Stannis is being a total impatient punk about not having an army, having killed Joffrey with leechy wiener blood magic, etc. Stannis threatens Davos, proving that no matter how shitty he is to his best friend, Davos is still just gonna hang around and take it. Then, again to diffuse the tension, a fun reading lesson with the princess! They discuss the semantic differences between smugglers and pirates, then conspicuously also talk about Bravos. I’m sensing a trend here. Suddenly, Davos has a House MD-esque revelation, and has the princess forge a letter in Stannis’s name to the Iron Bank of Bravos, which of course gets cut off after the salutation because of ratings.
Back to Castle Black: Gilly is grumpy and Tully is really just trying to help like the earnest little dork he is. After taking her to a nearby town and securing her work at a hotel/brothel/lady farmyard, Tully assures everyone around that GILLY WILL NOT BE A WHORE, THANK YOU. One nice litmus test on this show is that the good characters are the ones who express even vaguely anti-rapey sentiments. Except Jaime, who is now on the bad karma blacklist.
And then, a Dornish orgy, which doubles as Oberyn’s symposium on the ins and outs (ehem) of bisexuality. Tywin walks in and kills errybody’s buzz, then refuses to sit on the sex bed with Oberyn as they talk shop. Most of my notes for this scene are just the sentence: “Oberin [sic] can take it and dish it out.” As such, Oberyn lets Tywin know that he’s totally gonna murder him in a crafty way. Out of left field, Tywin asks him to be the third judge in Tyrion’s upcoming murder trial, and invites him onto Teeny Lannister’s small counsel. Tywin drops the D-Bomb (dragons) on Oberyn, which incites the classic “You had my curiosity, now you have my attention,” reaction.
Nearby, Padraig vists Tyrion in jail with duck sausage and hard cheese. On hearing the news, Tyrion gets way suspicious about Sansa being gone, and points out that her absence implicates him even more. Pad notes that mysterious people want him to testify against Tyrion, at which point Tyrion tells him to get the fuck out of dodge, because he doesn’t want sweet beautiful sex God Padraig to die for his loyalty. This is Tyrion’s second Airbudding in two episodes.
We then see about five seconds of a really sweet father/son scene in the middle of some fieldy looking countryside, which is interrupted because the father gets fucking shot in the back of the head with one of Ygritte’s arrows. Thus commences a wildling attack, in which the badass bald wildling guy tells a horrified child that he’s going to eat his parents, and then tells him to go tell the crows at Castle Black. At Castle Black, John Snow says that they should defend the wall instead of keeping the breached wildlings at bay, for various military reasons, but mostly because he’s avoiding Ygritte. Then, upon the return of several watchmen from beyond the wall, he comments that they have to go remove the Crows from Craster’s Keep because if any of the wildlings infiltrates the Keep and “interrogates” the watchmen there, they’ll know that there are only like ten dudes at Castle Black. Busted!
Lastly, we hit Meereen to check in on Daenerys. Because they’re up for some sporty fun, Meereen sends out a single champion to fight Daenerys’s people, instead of an army. This dude pees in D’s general direction, and spits some mad, anatomically incorrect bile about an army being led by a woman. AND we see a little bit of penis! Daario Naharis—no longer being played by young Fabio– is selected to kill the champion, after every other man possible offers to do it. He’s all, “I don’t need a horse. Horses are dumb,” and then commences to wink at Daenerys, throw a knife into a horse’s head, and pee in front of an entire city. Daenerys does her anti slavery stump speech and then fires on the city with catapults, the ammunition of which is full of shackles?