The Internet

Dan’s Favs – Minute to Win It

Dan's Favs Long

Three columns means it’s REALLY a column. And today, in Dan’s Favs #3, we’re going to really pander to the internet generation’s attention span by sticking to videos that are over before you have time to decide you don’t have time for this shit. Let’s shoot for one minute. Some might be longer, some might be shorter. Hey, if you want a bunch of crap shoehorned into an article based on a single rigid criterion, there are other places on the internet for you to hang out. 

Bret Michaels Gets “Dropped” at Tony Awards

Uploader – wheells1, 6/7/09 Views – 1,393,718

Flavor of Love, Rock of Love, A Shot at Love. These are all television shows that A) have the word ‘love’ in the title, purporting to be a way for beleaguered ‘celebrities’ to find it, and B) each had multiple seasons because obviously this would never actually work. Bret Michaels, the heartthrob at the center of Rock of Love, was hot off the finale of his THIRD season when he was invited to perform with the cast of the Broadway musical Rock of Ages at the 63rd Tony Awards. Before the curtain could close on the opening number, Bret tried to show off his limbo skills – inadvertently smashing his face on a descending flat. Rock of Ages did not win any awards, Bret broke his nose, and the winner of Rock of Love 3 became Penthouse Pet of the Year.

Kicked him in the Penis

Uploader -basketball227, 1/3/07 Views – 709,347

Trigon Blue Cross Blue Shield no longer exists. They were acquired by Anthem in 2002. So there’s not even anyone to pat on the back for making one of the best ‘cute kid’ ads of all time. True, the ad’s only connection to the product is the implication that those who get kicked in the dick require medical attention (aka ‘injured bad’). I wonder what movie he was watching with his mama where all these men are kicking and punching ? Well, it’s gotta be in here somewhere.

World’s Greatest Scare on Aunt – Break Scares

Uploader – Break, 10/7/09 Views – 816,673

I think we can all agree that the best type of prank is the kind that makes the prankee think they are about to be dead. The more convinced a prankee is that their life is about to be over, the better the prank. If you can pull ’em off, pranks that result in the prankee’s actual death are pretty good, but there’s nothing as hilarious as watching someone’s life false-flash before their eyes only to have it all melt away in the ruse. And then showing it to millions of people. Douglas not only scared his aunt to the brink of death, but she definitely pulled something trying to vault the deck railing. I bet Douglas’ mom tells this story at every Christmas party.

Pretty much everywhere, it’s gonna be hot.

Uploader – Kid Corduroy, 1/17/08 Views – 7,553,177

This. Piece by piece, frame by frame, everything about this is pure YouTube gold. The distortion at the beginning, which means someone TAPED this. Arthur’s grin. Arthur covering the entire map with his arm. “Pretty much everywhere, it’s gonna be hot.” Everyone smiling. Mustard jackets (that Charlotte doesn’t need). The pause. EH-HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE.

Thanks, Arthur.

Drunken Slurring Dwarf sings ‘Cutie Patootie’

Uploader – AdelaideUnderground, 12/23/10 Views – 1,529,651

The whole point of Toddlers and Tiaras was to make you hate the moms, right? I mean, these kids are four years old. When I was four, you could barely get me to keep my Dick Tracy pajamas on. These parents slosh a pint of makeup all over their daughters’ cherubic cheeks and dress them up in high heels and garters. The beauty of Drunken Slurring Dwarf (also seen here) is the agonizingly streeeeetched reactions of disgust from the hosts, coupled with the baffling toothy smiles of the poor dwarf’s troll of a mother. But good for Eden Wood – five years later, she’s going direct-to-DVD in a new Little Rascals movie.

Jumping over a chair like a gangster (Bill Gates)

Uploader – Josh Wreford, 7/23/12 Views – 1,195,771

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why I buy PC.

Watch for more installments of Dan’s Favs here on Tube Top Television. And follow @dmillstein if you dare.


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