Television / The Internet

A (Very) Quick Guide to the World Cup if Sports Aren’t Generally “Your Thing”

The day has come! Starting things off with a kickoff by a brain-controlled exoskeleton, the 2014 World Cup in one of those Brazilian cities with all the feathers has begun with a game between Brazil (woo!) and Croatia (also woo!).

pArTy T11mE!!!!!

pArTy T11mE!!!!!

But whoah whoah whoah, I’m getting ahead of myself. The “World Cup” is a “soccer tournament” during which NATIONAL teams from countries ’round the world come together and play each other. See? We’re beginning at the beginning. I accept you and all your questions.

the knowledge = the powerz

the knowledge = the powerz

It happens every 4 years I think? And it’s a pretty big deal. TBD on that every 4 years thing. I’ve been told soccer exists more than every 4 years, but I have yet to see evidence of this.

So the main reason to care about this is pretty much the same reason you watch Homeland. You can’t fight it any longer, the peer pressure is too great. You don’t want to be excluded from all those conversations about “football” because you are being true to yourself and your disdain for athletes. Fuck that. Sports are fun now!

Some really important reasons why:

1) Blind nationalism!



2) Soccer Jerseys are cute, and sportswear is IN. #normcore 2014, embrace it.

Chanel says: sneakers are so in.

Chanel says: sneakers are so now.

3) You know the rules of soccer because you probably played it during your formative years, and we promise that knowledge is still in there. Dust off those cobwebs and remember the difference between a “corner kick” and a “goal kick”; think of it as a brain exercise.

Team Fuckin Spirit

Team Fuckin Spirit

4) You love watching TV. Just think of it like TV, with a really slow-placed plotline.

Cool? Cool. Some other reasons include that this is the sport that has stopped wars, brought countries together, and pretty much everyone else but the US really loves it ’round the world. Sure. Glad we covered that.

Clipart is the normcore of the internet, and that's right, I'm bringing it back.

Clipart is the normcore of the internet, and that’s right, I’m bringing it back.

So, now that you’ve decided that you’re going to get invested in June’s cultural movement, some quick FACTS.

1) It IS a soccer tournament. There are “groups,” that I think are randomly drawn, and all the teams in a “group” play each other. The team that wins the most games and the second most games advance into playing their counterparts in other “groups.” Then there’s like a bracket where winning teams keep playing each other and advancing. SPORTS.

2) It goes from today to 6/12 to the end of like June… I think. Or maybe it’s a month. In any case it’s a lot of lot of LOT of soccer.

3) The top teams are: Brazil, Argentina, Spain, and Germany. One of these teams will win.

Don't worry, I'm concerned about the losers, too :(

Don’t worry, I’m concerned about the losers, too 😦

4) The US sort of has a rivalry with Ghana. If that seems a little off-kilter to you, you’re not alone. But it’s a thing. So boo Ghana.



5) Pick a team to root for so you can have something humorous to care about for the first week. Then it won’t matter, because they’ll probably be knocked out. I recommend buying a jersey; like I said, it’s a great fashion investment.

So go forth, sports fans. Enjoy your offenders, defenders, spicy South Americans and brooding Baltics. We’re World Cup fans now, and we’re gonna have a great time. And remember, Ghana sux!

sports sports sports

sports sports sports







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