It’s official. The nominations are in, the Tube Top Gallery spent the weekend mulling them over, the feelings have been felt. We have thoughts, and 41 days to catch up on *~*all the televisions~*~ before Seth Meyers takes the stage to host television’s most prestigious award ceremony! Oh, the suspense! How ever will we pass the time?
By sharing everything we think with, you, our lovely reader(s). Obvi.
Meet the Tube Top Gallery: @realkrauswife (RK), @embrods (EB), @averiejoy (AH), @the_kittiest (SB), @shannarhimes (SM), @hawthornenick (NJH), @frenchamnesty (KF) & @offtothegraces (GDV).
Which nomination was the biggest surprise?
In typical Emmy fashion, there were very few one-off nominations. Shows either swept through this year with multiple nom-noms, or got totally snubbed. The choice of shows isn’t so surprising, but I guess we’re “surprised” that individual performances weren’t considered in a more stand alone fashion. Like, happy to have you, Orange Is The New Black – regardless of whether or not we agree with your submission as a comedy – but Tay J. Schilling… not so much.
Also from the Tube Top Gallery:
SB: Piper made me laugh exactly 0 times this season, and I don’t recall her being particularly funny in season 1 either. I get that submitting as a comedy was strategic for OITNB blah blah blah but I am displeased nonetheless. Also, Downton Abbey whyyyyyyyy. I feel such strong ambivalence I don’t even know how that’s possible.
RK: Wait, Downton Abbey’s still considered a drama? Downton for best comedy HANDS DOWN!
AH: Probably William H. Macy and Taylor Schilling, nominated for their knee-slapping roles in those hilarious comedy shows, Shameless and Orange is the New Black! I know I laughed through the entirety of last season of Shameless when Macy’s character Frank was slowly dying a grotesque death from substance-abuse liver failure or when Emmy Rossum’s character, Fiona, starts spiraling down a dark drain of drug use that puts her toddler brother in the hospital with brain damage. SO FUNNY. A feast of a million giggles.”
NJH: Jeff Daniels. I didn’t even realize Newsroom was still on the air – and he took Michael Sheen’s spot!
EB: The biggest surprise was tied — (1) the size of HBO’s cojones to put up True Detective for a Drama rather than a Miniseries, especially in the final year of Breaking Bad / second to last year of Mad Men, or (2) retroactively, the cowardice of the American Horror Story folks for consistently putting up their stuff in the miniseries category rather than facing the grueling weight of the drama series category.
And, yet, all of the above surprises pale in comparison to the #1 concern we’d like to raise about this year’s Emmy nominations: WHERE THE FUCK IS OUR GIRL PEGGY?
Which nomination is the most exciting and important to you and why?
We’re in unanimous agreement that Laverne Cox’s nomination is, objectively, pretty important, huge, historic, and deserved. And we’re stoked. We love Laverne and we love positive media representations of empirically maligned and un(der)represented communities! Yay for changing the culture and complicating the male/female gender binary that permeates the structure of every award show ever!
Also from the Tube Top gallery:
RK: Probably Downton Abbey’s Mr. Carson for Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Drama. How one man manages to stay so stubbornly bolstered against the changing world order DEFINITELY deserves an award.
NJH: “Lena Headey for Game of Thrones. It’s one of the best acted shows on television, and for too long the Emmys have treated it like ‘Peter Dinklage and the Amateur Players.’ I would have liked to see some love for Charles Dance’s last dance, but Lena has been a delight for 4 seasons.”
GDV: Happy to have Laverne, but I must say I’m personally very invested in Lizzy Caplan & Masters of Sex. If you’ve watched the show/seen her naked, you understand where I’m coming from.
Which nominee do you most want to kiss on the lips?
NJH: Moira Walley-Beckett, to make my girlfriend the MOST jealous.
GDV: Moira Walley-Beckett. Then I want to kiss her Emmy that she’s going to win for Ozymandias and kiss all the ballerinas on her Starz show and kiss her dogs who I have only seen on instagram but am in love with nonetheless. (Disclaimer: I am aforementioned girlfriend.)
AH: I would like to take a bubble bath with Benedict Cumberbatch. That doesn’t really answer the question, but like, my birthday is coming up, so I thought I’d just put that out into the universe.
SM: Lena Headey. I want to be her. And also make out with her.
RK: Paul Giammatti as Harold Levinson in Downton Abbey. For obvious reasons, and also his Snoop-dogg inspired costuming. Hubba hubba!
SB: All of them!!!! Jk. I legitimately thought Robin Wright had one of those neck holes that you see on heavy smokers in anti-smoking PSAs. I was waiting for it to be addressed but it never was and I realized she is just scary-thin and now her neck is all I can see when watching House of Cards… so all of them except Robin Wright!
KF: I’ve already kissed all of them. Nothing earth shattering to report. Disappointing, really!
What are some other categories we could make up and nominate Game of Thrones for?
Most Unsettling Penis Innuendo
Best Adapted Series” (wait, why isn’t that one a category again? Cause the Emmys hate writers? Got it.)
Outstanding Wine Pouring in a Tensely Silent Scene
Best Blood-Flecked Facial Hair (Natural)
Best Blood-Flecked Facial Hair (SFX)
Most Likely to Succeed
Most Likely to Keep Succeeding
Most Different Ensemble Drama from Downton Abbey
Most Overacted Background Death That Viewers Will Rewind to Watch Again (paired with Best Agonized Death Scream While Being Impaled)
Outstanding Wedding Planning Series
Outstanding Death Scene
Outstanding Massacre Scene
Outstanding Massacre Scene That Was Crazier Than That Other Massacre Scene
Outstanding Series for Creating Utter Desensitization To Massacres
What shows are missing from this list? What should everyone be watching that isn’t nominated for an Emmy?
Continued unanimous + passionate support for Orphan Black and Hannibal
around these parts of the interwebz.
Also from the Tube Top Gallery:
RK: Everyone, and no one, should be watching Downton Abbey.
SB: I used to get the Emmys and the Grammys confused because 1) they sound alike and 2) they both fail to nominate people who deserve them the most (Tatiana Maslany and Grizzly Bear have their- imo- egregious snubs in common). I also just generally overall care less about the Emmys than the Golden Globes because the Emmys are not a drunk celeb fashion/shitshow.
AH: “Hannibal. That entire show is lit like a freaking Bottecelli painting. And the costumes… I mean, Mads Mikkelson’s suits are the wet dream of any Esquire’s Best Of List.”
While we have a sneaking suspicion that Almost Royal on BBC, which is unscripted and exactly what it sounds like, may rock the world so hard that it retroactively wins all these awards anyway. Who needs voters when you have monarchy?
How much does an Emmy weigh?
RK: Approximately 3 untimely deaths, 1 miraculous recovery from paralysis, and .75 kissing cousins.
AH: I feel like it used to carry more weight.
SB: I will probably never know personally so……. does it even matter….. does anything matter….
KF: I would guess the equivalent of ~6 burritos from Chipotle.
NH: In Lorne Michael’s hyperbaric fortress in space, they are virtually weightless.
How so totally cute is Seth Meyers? Do you think more people will watch the Emmys than his show?
Okay, so, disagreements from the group over whether or not thinking Seth Meyers is so totally cute is a thing or not. Things we can agree on: 1) He has really great teeth. 2) This year’s Emmy’s can’t possibly suck more than last year’s, so.
Also from the Tube Top Gallery:
AH: You know when you’re at a party and there’s a really great cheese plate, and paired with the cheeses, there’s a nice spread of crackers: there’s the buttery ones, the grain crackers, those awesome mini-toasts, the baguette slices, and then off to the side, there’s those really thin water crackers? You know which cracker I’m talking about – they’re always the last crackers left and you eat them only after you’ve consumed at least four mixed drinks and two glasses of wine, and you end up eating it with the rind of the brie as the last partygoers stagger out the door. Seth Meyers is the water cracker.”
RK: More cute than Downton Abbey’s labrador retriever Pharaoh, less cute than Downton Abbey’s labrador retriever Isis.
What are some ways we could make people stop nominating The Big Bang Theory? What are some ways we could make people stop watching The Big Bang Theory?
What are some ways we could make people less stupid? We have decided to blame the schools and also stupid people, beg you to stop, and then move on with our lives. But not before this:
EB: Not a real answer to this question necessarily but my boyfriend is a physics PhD student which means he must endure what may be hours by now of questions and conversations from my well-intentioned coworkers and family asking him his thoughts on The Big Bang Theory or recounting the plot of some stupid TBBT episode to him so that he can laugh, confirm, or deny. It’s slowly turning him into this broken person because his hatred for TBBT now has a million levels to it, beginning with how it’s a shitty and inane show with shitty and inane science and how knowing physics makes the show less funny and how he now has to talk about the TBBT and every single family event from now until the end of the show like some sort of fairy godmother curse.
SB: The first time I watched it I was so bothered by how The Big Bang Theory-Cheesecake Factory looks nothing at all like a real Cheesecake Factory. Like, this is a large chain restaurant, people are familiar with their aesthetic, why won’t you even try to make even this believable for us. Maybe if we point this out other people will feel the same way but probably not.
What do we have to do, guys? Stop watching it, America. Stop nominating it, Emmy voters. Get out of my face, Jim Parsons.
Which celebrity do you think will get the most drunk at the Emmy’s? Can you even get drunk at the Emmy’s? Who will do it anyway?
We think Aaron Paul will probably spend most of the evening wasted shouting “Bitch!” at everyone and enjoying his last hurrah at the top / dealing with the fact that he might never get back there…#NeedforSpeed.
If you could only watch ONE AND ONLY ONE Emmy nominated show start-finish between now and August 25 – like, if that were the only TV on all the TV Networks that you could watch between now and the Emmy’s – which one would it be? If you could recommend ONLY one show to watch start-finish between now and September to other viewers out there, which would it be?
Anonymous: Still haven’t seen Breaking Bad…
GDV: I would re-watch Breaking Bad, probably.
NJH: Fargo – it’s on my to-do list, I promise!
KF: How many times do I need to write Hannibal and Orphan Black for it to be taken as a serious recommendation?
EB: I know it’s such a Mom Show, but I fucking love the Good Wife. I watched it all and loved most of it, and the working momness of it all makes me think even harder about it’s sort of passive aggressive emmy nomination tactics about how it has 20+ episodes/season and how it’s so MOMLIKE of the showrunners to have to work all those extra hours just to look successful. So working mom to keep up with that quantity and quality.
RK: Downton Abbey.
Is Jennifer Lawrence invited? Will she fall? If so, where? If not, what is Jennifer Lawrence doing that night and does anybody want to try to find her and hang out with her? Any other predictions for Emmy night?
NJH: Jennifer Lawrence, feeling miffed because she wasn’t invited, decides to parachute in through the roof and onto the stage. As she approaches, she adorably tumbles from her harness 30 feet above the crowd only to have her fall awkwardly broken by Ricky Gervais. “Wish I hadn’t lost all that extra weight – you could have used the extra padding,” Ricky chokes out, before dying in his seat . J-Law gets up, dusts herself off, and accepts all the remaining Emmys, holding the crowd hostage with her trademark girl-next door charm.
SB: I just hope she isn’t hanging out with Taylor Swift. That gurl collects friends like Ash collects Pokémon and Jennifer Lawrence is too much of a free spirit to be kept in a Pokeball.
AH: I predict I disembowel myself 36 minutes into the event and as the coroner examines my body, one of the more junior forensic staffers offhandedly remarks, “No guts, no glory,” and, making himself laugh, writes the line into his SVU spec script. The spec gets him staffed on CBS’ fall drama. He wins an Emmy.
Mercifully, I’m dead, so I don’t have to pretend to care anymore. I am finally free.
KF: Here’s how I see it going down: Woody Harrelson and Matthew McConaughey are going to parachute down onto the red carpet wearing matching onesies. Both will be on shrooms, and McConaughey’s trip will start to go south about 28 minutes into the Awards, prompting Billy Bob Thornton to talk him down because he’s been there, man, you’re gonna be OK. Meanwhile, Idris Elba is doing shots of whiskey and making it look sophisticated and sexy at the same time, speaking in his perfect British accent about anything he wants and it is the most interesting thing in the world because he is Idris Fucking Elba. Robin Wright will be buzzed on chardonnay, and when they cut to her chastely taking a sip you’ll immediately feel a gutting sense of inferiority. This feeling will wane slowly—give it about two days before you fully recover—no one is immune. Then, Topher Grace is going to just show up and they’ll let him into the theater because it’s been years since anyone’s seen him, so it’s part shock/part ‘keep him contained here before we release him back into the wild.’ It’s like a Bigfoot sighting! Oh, yeah, that guy! I remember you. Come on in! He will be the drunkest person at the event.
We predicted who would win and lose too but have decided to save that for another time. So you can read this post over and over again, form opinions, and make comments while we change our minds a few times and wait to see who goes to rehab between now and August.